Discarded Dreams

After 27 years of living, dreams have been borne and killed along the way. Somehow, does it all even matter? I guess you could say I'm having an existential crisis.

In order to survive, in order to be sane, somehow I have had to readjust goals and readjust my definition of who I am and what I really want. Somewhere along the way, I must have lost myself a million times, and maybe who I find after may not be who I started with at first.

Does it even matter? If I lose my grip, without inconveniencing anyone else, will it even matter?

---

It's all right if you just want to be alone

It's all right if you just want to stay at home

I understand...I understand...I understand....

-- some obscure song whose lyrics I probably mangled

---

laptop snatcher from hell

Can I swear/curse?

I want to curse that greedy guy/girl/neanderthal who stole my freaking laptop. Instead of me luxuriating in the speed of a brand new HP NC6000 model, I have to contend with this Compaq Armada M300, circa 1990s. Its battery/reserve power doesn't work, so switching locations is a fucking pain in the ass. I have to reboot and restart, and it's not as if this baby can boot up without problems! Sometimes it hangs when shutting down. Sometimes it hangs when booting up. Sometimes it boots up the wrong way, sort of like waking up on the wrong side of the bed. When that happens, it simply doesn't want to open documents, and everything hangs. And you have to reboot. But it hangs first. So you do a hard reboot. And before you know it, an hour has already passed. And you're not even doing anything yet.

Why can't that stupid robber just get someone else's laptop? Someone whose existing laptop has a working battery! Urgh. And so instead of the laptop, I request for a replacement battery instead. Did you know that the battery cell for a Compaq Armada M300 costs more than 11,000 pesos? That's way too expensive for an overworked and overextended old model. But anyway, since I haven't worked up the courage to ask for a new laptop (again), that request will have to do. So far I don't know what the status is.

So anyway, why did I lose that fucking laptop anyway? Who the fuck stole that laptop? Did he/she need that to feed his/her starving family? Was someone's life saved because of the money gained in selling a stolen laptop? I'll never, will I? But sometimes I wish I knew. Just so I'll know if the tradeoff was good enough. If all this frustration I'm experiencing right now over a very slow PC is worth it.

P.S. -- as a backgrounder, one mysterious weekend, the laptop that the company assigned to me to replace the second-hand (or third-hand) laptop I'm using was stolen. I left it on my desk, box and all, one Friday night. Monday morning, it was gone, box and all. Investigation showed nothing. Well, at the most, investigation established the laptop was there Friday night, it was there right before 6AM Saturday morning, and it was gone after 6:30 AM Saturday morning. Of course, no culprit was caught.  

The reason why I'm hesitant to ask for another laptop is, one of the higher ups sort of blamed me for leaving the laptop on my office desk. Well, I sort of got used to an office environment where PCs don't get stolen. I left it inside the office, on my desk, but not inside a locked cabinet, which they say is my fault. So I'm hesitant, in case they remember to blame me again for the loss.

No hard feelings

come on try a little,

nothing is forever

there's got to be something better than in the middle...

 

But me and Cinderella,

We put it all together

We can drive it home

With one headlight...

 

-- The Wallflowers, One Headlight

 
 
Sometimes, the end starts inconspicuously enough.
 
And then you don't care anymore.
 
And next time you know, whatever it is isn't there anymore. And there's nothing you can do to hold on, nothing you can say to make things better, and it doesn't really matter if you care or not anymore. The end will have begun, and only a miracle can stop something like that.

yahoo....

Yahoo! :)

I got a good review today regarding my review on Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coehlo's book. Now, if only I could put all that enthusiasm and energy on my thesis and my work. Now that would be something. haha.

I should sleep now. Maybe I should sleep now, and just get the ball rolling tomorrow. Remember, a rolling ball gathers no moss. Sorry, that was very cheap but I had to say it.

So...gotta go sleep so I can do tomorrow what I've always been meaning to do the whole week -- that is, work, and my thesis. I can do it (just a little self-motivation here).

Yahoo. :(

Deep Inside of You

Third Eye Blind

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you
These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems

A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you
Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do

If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me

I breathe by your looks and you look right through me
But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go nowhere

I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you
And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone

Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you