Master Guru

It has been a slightly hectic but definitely unproductive day. Now, how could that be? Last night, I didn't sleep because I was trying to finish a project which I should have started long ago. Ah, the wonders of cramming. A sign of old age would be not being able to cram it up anymore. And frankly, I don't want to anymore, and I'm afraid that I no longer can.

As of now, I'm still programming here in the office. I'm slightly out of it, I don't want to think, so how the fuck can I effectively program? All right, I know. Thou shalt not swear.

It's such a long road ahead. I don't know what I'm doing in this world. This is the chant of the slightly insane, those pretending to be entirely normal but they're really sliding down a deep, dark abyss. You know the feeling when you're drunk, and you know you can just let go and be really crazy, but you try to be sane any way? You don't? Well, good for you.

Strangely, I don't really feel entirely stressed or anxious or concerned, but I know that I've been remiss in all my duties this week. As in, I've become an expert on pushing back deadlines and ignoring that big red "Game Over" sign in front of my face. You reap what you sow, they say. Me, I just like to write.

You know what I realized this morning, in between the time I gave up working and the time I actually went back to the office? I spent practically three hours just eating, reading the paper, and lying around the house. Despite the deadline, I'm not really cramming. More than anything, I was strategizing how to avoid the project's customer. Ahh...The art of the weasel. The art of relaxation. Zen. Nothing. I think I'm becoming an expert at the art of doing nothing.

Wonder Island

Wonder Island, Calamba, Laguna, Philippines

Saturday 12:30 pm, while I was groggily still reading the morning paper, Richard texted me: "Don't forget our outing today. Meet u at enterprise at 2pm."

No, I don't think I'm in the mood to go! I opened my laptop, and suddenly, I felt empowered to do my thesis. Must be a case of always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. This was a case of me procrastinating so I end up not doing anything. I just wanted to lounge around and not make the effort to do anything! But a promise is a promise, and I did say I would go.

I ate a little lunch, checked my emails, and at 1:30 PM, I texted back. "I don't think I can make it at 2PM. I'll be there around 2:30."

Of course I'm late. I took a quick shower, grabbed a few clothes, and made a mad dash to Makati, slightly peeved that I'm being rushed.

It was an almost two-hour drive to Calamba, and in the car, really hungry, Tenantz and I attacked Hazel's cassava cake to soothe hunger pangs. We met up with Sammy and Dang and their kids at Calamba, and finally arrived at the Wonder Island parking lot around 4:30. From there, we had to take a ten-minute ferry across Laguna de Bay to reach the resort. The ferry was clean. I was expecting a small banca, and well, it was nice to see a motorized boat (I can't describe it, suffice it to say it wasn't the typical banca). We reached Wonder Island, and surprise! There were no other guests but us. The whole island was ours.

Wonder Island?


Wonder Island is an island somewhere in Laguna de Bay. From Calamba, a short boat ride is needed to reach the island. Full of swimming pools (there must have been more than 5), the place is an ideal company outing destination. There are a lot of accommodations and dormitory-type rooms.

We spent the rest of the day swimming, eating, drinking, and singing karaoke. There was a juke-box like karaoke machine there that played songs for 5-pesos each. After dinner, we had an "American Idol" type contest to see who could get the highest score from the karaoke machine. If it wasn't for the fact that there were no more 5-peso coins left, we would have been singing till morning came.

Breakfast Cruise


 

In the morning, we had a breakfast cruise across Laguna de Bay. Breakfast was supposed to start at 7:30, but we only managed to get out of the room 30 minutes later. Good thing the owner of the resort also took his breakfast while cruising, so we were able to join up with him while he went on his morning cruise. Breakfast was tocino, garlic fried rice, eggs, papaya and bread. The pandesal was delicious! The cruise boat was really pretty, and photogenic.

After the 1 hour cruise, we played pingpong, billiards, and even though it was raining hard, we swam in the pool/s.

Due to a previously set appointment, Tenantz and I left after Sunday lunch, at 1PM. Our friends were still at the karaoke machine that time, belting out tunes and singing their hearts out.

Nice

 

Overall, Wonder Island was nice, a really cool company outing/family/barkada place. It had a nice view of Mt. Makiling, and Talim island in Rizal. The swimming pools are large and numerous, there were a lot of areas where people can congregrate. As Dudong said, "Pwede mag-outing sunlife dito, maraming upuan eh." There are seminar rooms, a chapel, dormitories, wooden cottages, and all the necessary equipment to hold company seminars. For 1,400 pesos, you can even go jet-skiiing if you wished. If only the waters of Laguna de Bay were cleaner (meaning if it wasn't so murky), the place would really be a sight to behold. Nevertheless, Wonder Island is a nice place. And if you read how the place came about (see the link somewhere in this post), you can see the passion with which the owner developed the place. And that passion, more than anything else, makes the place really worth visiting.

Dead Ends

Excerpt from Manuel L. Quezon III's column The Long View, published on page A15 of the August 9, 2004 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

---oooOOooo---
When you see the many middle-class villages in Metro Manila, what seems to me the most striking about them is how the homes in them represent a dead end. These villages and the homes in them were built by the generation of Filipino professionals who worked from the 1950s to the 1970s, and who, by their own hard work, were able to secure every family's dream: a home, some land, education for the children and retirement benefits after decades of working for a firm. The success of these generations may be measured by their ability to keep their children afloat, the kids born in the 1960s to the 1970s up to the early 1980s, who, even if they try their hardest, can never build the sort of life their parents did.

The perennial complaint of people my age is that it is virtually impossible on a salary to buy a car, get a mortgage to buy an apartment or a small house, and generally achieve the things their parents did. Increasingly those who can, juggle jobs to increase their paychecks.
---oooOOooo---

This just struck me because it was so true. One of my dreams is to own a condo unit, but that is something I cannot comfortably buy. Am I a failure then? I live a comfortable life, but only because I live with my parents in a house they bought almost 30 years ago. I drive a car, but it is my parent's car, bought with money they made. Unless I don't eat and don't spend a cent on anything else, i cannot possibly buy a car or a house.

Do I have to work two jobs then, just to fulfill that dream? Work harder? Be smarter? Work abroad? Migrate? Leave? Or is entrepreneurship the answer?

*full column can be read at the Philippine Daily Inquirer's website: http://beta.inq7.net/opinion/index.php?index=2&story_id=3175&col=111

what he doesn't know

"I'm dying...dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again....
Dying...dying to live without you..."

What he doesn't know is i want him to make an effort. I want him to give me flowers. I want him to go out of his way, get down on his knees and give me flowers. Or a token gift. I don't know. Just something to really show me he loves me, and not the everyday practical stuff that we're used to. I guess something to sweep me off my feet.

"I'm dying, dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm dying, dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm dying to live without you again"

I think, if I just allow things to get back to normal this time, I will always be searching for the special effort, that special push from him. Perhaps, this is my downfall. Perhaps, this is my idealistic romanticism rearing its ugly head. How many times must I learn that fairy tales don't happen to normal people like me? But I want this, I also deserve this. I want to be swept off my feet every now and then. I want to be courted, gifted, surprised, enchanted. I want to feel beautiful and loved, and I want him to show me that I am loved and beautiful.

"It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath....
I'm dying and I can't live without you again..."

This may be "girly" ramblings. I don't know. How much effort is enough anyway? But the fact that I'm asking that question...perhaps that just means I don't feel appreciated anymore.

If love is give and take, how much should we give before asking ourselves, how come the other side isn't allowing us to take more?

"I'm dying and I can't live without you again."*

*correct lyrics of "Dying", song by Five For Fighting, can be seen here.

Dumbing Down -- Scattered thoughts and broken vows

Today, I guess, is overall, a good day.

It started out with a scream of frustration, since the PLDT repair guy was again coming to our house and ruining my plans of going to work early. But the flip side of that is, my PLDT DSL connection finally got fixed. After much tinkering on his end, he finally thought of changing the cables and the section where I was getting my DSL connection, and now everything's all right again. :) I guess there was something faulty in how they connected my DSL connection, but hey, since it's working now, I'm not complaining.

I feel sick, like I'm coming down with something. And it's almost 5AM, and still I'm awake. How's that for insomnia?

Reminds me of my Saturday night at Tagaytay...we slept at a friend's house, and I couldn't sleep. For the life of me, I really wanted to sleep, just so I could get enough rest because I knew I had to do a lot of things Sunday, but no. 4AM. Still awake. 5AM. Still awake. The sun is up. Got up 6AM to look around and see Taal. Everyone's still asleep. Try to fall asleep 6:15. Dozed off for a while. Finally! Woke up at 6:45. Everyone's awake. $^%$$$##@!

---

My friend's Friendster testimonial almost made me cry. She said, she doesn't understand how many times I have to cry before I find true happiness. And that made me real sad. Have I even found my happiness? I'm not sure. Romance-wise, I sometimes think that I get stuck with "nowhere" men. Men who are okay, in the present, right here, right now. But will they commit to a future with me? Perhaps not. I'm not sure. Do I even want to commit to a future with them? Maybe. I'm with them ain't I? But....there's a "but" there somewhere. But the beauty of our relationship is, it works, somehow.

---

You know what, it's been an awfully long day. I was about to go home around 11PM, but I wasn't able to because my boss was using my computer to troubleshoot something. I just couldn't get the nerve to tell him, hey, I need to go home right now because I still want to catch the bus home. I didn't have a car, and I was too stingy to want to take the taxi home. Well anyway, it was well past 1AM when I left the office. And yes, I took the taxi. And the taxi driver was trying to scam me into paying him more, since it was raining today and all. But I felt good since I didn't let him push me into paying more. Especially since I told him that it was all the money I had that night.

I wish of course that sometimes, someone would take care of me. So I wouldn't have to go home late, alone. So I don't even have to work my ass off. wishful thinking dear...

Another reason I wasn't able to go home at once was, a friend called me to confide about her love problems. Couldn't bear the hurt of knowing that her boyfriend might be leaving her. Nothing final yet, just the "cool-off" conversation. Well, it's good to know that she thinks I'm wise enough to run to, but hey, I'm no cupid. And, I'm basically a cynical person, plus, I'm not entirely conventional, ergo I'm not the best person to turn to since my views might result in even more estrangement and failed romances. Look at me! haha. But I guess that was what she wanted, a perspective different from her own. Maybe. I love my friend, and of course I'll support her, but it does feel weird to tell this friend particularly, that there is love after heartbreak. Because I want her to believe in the myth of forever, in the myth of the first love, in the myth of the forever love. No one should experience that disappointment in love.

I took this quiz at http://www.okcupid.com/oktest, and though other people say the quiz accurately described them, I don't entirely agree. I protest! Haha....or perhaps I just don't really know myself enough. I can't see myself accurately? Here is how it rated me, tell me what you think:

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The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

---

I don't know about the "selective" and "lack of bonafide experience" part, but that last quote, that is so true for me. And that is so something that I am so sad to admit to. Because that single quote captures all the cynicism I have. In the end, we are alone.