First of all, this blog needs a face lift. But that's okay...the more time I spend updating this blog means less time doing something else. Which means nothing really. Except the fact that I choose not to spend my time beautifying this blog at this time.
Such a circuitous statement! See, this is how I talk to myself sometimes -- in circles. Always logical, at least in my opinion. But still, I can see the curves from miles away. And I always know where it's leading to.
So why am I talking to myself now? And letting you hear it? Because I need someone to talk to. Someone impartial. Someone with no stake in what I am planning to do. Someone logical who can help guide me to the right conclusion. Someone like God perhaps. Hehe.
Okay, here comes the curve. What to do? Either way I leave something I love behind. And so the question is, which is more important? Which can be let go of? Or at least, which can become recoverable in the long run? What is the end goal, really?
I know in my head the right answer to most of my questions. But I also know in my heart that I haven't accepted those answers yet. I feel it in the pain as I try to yank out and drown another dream of mine. I feel it in the silence as my eyes fill with unshed tears, knowing I should sacrifice, and knowing that I just can't, not just yet.
"I love you, in the silence of mine that I know"*
***Badly mangled Pablo Neruda: "I remembered you with my soul clenched in that sadness of mine that you know..."
And I remember the last time I felt this kind of pain, a sudden gush of held-back tears as your heart is pulled out and torn apart, first torn into half, then into quarters, then into eights, and so on until all you have is a pile of meaningless crap that you eventually have to throw away. I remember the outcome -- the outcome was eventually good, and I knew it at that time, but still a dream died, and I mourned for it, like a child mourns for a lost parent.
And there you have it. My answer. I bet you didn't see the curve ball huh?
And so, at the end of this piece, I know what I must do. I just have to trust myself to accept it.
I love you because I know no other way than this...
where I does not exist, nor you
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep
P.S. -- Shoot, naguluhan ako. Di ko pa rin pala talaga alam ang gusto kong gawin.... =(
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