the dream of someone else

I was watching "You've Got Mail" on cable, and in Meg Ryan and Greg Kinnear's cordial breakup scene (they were breaking up over dinner and laughter), Greg Kinnear's character mentioned he had someone else. And he asked Meg Ryan's character (Kathleen Kelly) if she had someone else too. And after a slight pause, a dreamy smile, she said, "No. But I have that dream of someone else."

A toast to the holiday season, and cable TV showing mushy romantic movies.

Merry Christmas!

Closing Cycles, by Paolo Coelho

For lack of awe-inspiring original thought, today I bring to you another person's words. This is quite a long article, and I'm putting it here simply because I like the last line: "Stop being who you were, and change into who you are."

It's going to be the start of another year soon, and it's going to be another chance to redefine who we are and who we want to be.

Good luck.

---

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on
staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the
meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles,
shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters
is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Had a loving relationship come to an end? Did
you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Had a long-lasting
friendship end all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why
this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until
you find out why certain things that were
so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like
that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone
involved: your parents, your h usband or wife, your friends, your
children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over
new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at
a standstill. None of us can be in the present and
the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things
that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be
children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our
parents,lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has
gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and
the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to
destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or
donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a
manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts -
and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other
memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself
from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win
and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect
your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to
be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same
program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from
a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that
are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date,
decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment."

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell
yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there
was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing
is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may
even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride,incapacity or arrogance, but
simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the
record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Na Naman

Papasok na naman! Hay.

FPJ is Dead

Can you die of heartbreak?

The past presidential election must have caused FPJ extreme heartbreaks. He didn't win, but he ran because everyone close to him told him he'd win. And he didn't. He lost the elections, retreated from the limelight, and was just now starting to emerge again. He just shot his beer commercial with Juday. Now that he's dead, what will San Miguel do with that commercial?

But I wish to pay my respects anyway. He may not have been an ideal president, but I believe the show biz folk who say he was a good man.

Cheers, to a good man...to the King of Philippine Movies.

About a Boy

My ex-boyfriend approached me, smiled sheepishly, and said, "Have you heard?"

"Heard what?", I asked, even though I knew fully what he was going to say. It was best to pretend I didn't know anything, I don't know, I just thought the best reaction would be one of pleasant surprise. And well, you can't act surprised if you didn't pretend you didn't know.

"Maybe Alvin or the others told you," he said.

"Nope, they didn't mention anything," I smiled questioningly. "Why, what's up?"

"I'm getting married!" he said.

Of course, I knew weeks before that he was going to get married early next year. I also knew his girlfriend now was pregnant. Initially, when I found out, I was inexplainably happy. Even though that thin girl with the long hair and the big boobs did manage to steal my then-boyfriend away, I'm generally not a selfish person. I don't begrudge what isn't mine. And for some reason, I even felt relieved that he was going to get married. Although I do have to admit, I was gloating quite a bit that he was getting married because he got his girl pregnant.

But today, I was sincere.

"Congratulations!" I exclaimed, and extended my hand to shake his. He smiled even more sheepishly, like a schoolboy about to admit that he had a crush on someone. This reminded me of the way he was before, the pa-cute shyness that effectively endears a guy to a girl.

"She's four months pregnant," he said, smiling proudly yet still maintaining his shy demeanor.

And I could see the pride, and the love, in his eyes, in his actions, in his words. He was truly proud of becoming a father. And I was truly happy for him. I don't really know the girl, but I knew my ex-boyfriend. And I am sincerely happy that he found his happiness, his call to fatherhood, his call to married life.

Top Ten Excuses for Insomnia

Yep, it's almost 5AM and I haven't slept yet. Here are some reasons, which I've used at one time or another, or which I've heard others use, in justifying why they can't sleep:

1. I don't want to sleep because I don't feel like I have done anything significant during the day, and I won't sleep until I do so. Or until I tire myself trying to do so.


2. Deadly deadline tomorrow.


3. Pag natulog ako, bitin ang tulog ko, sasakit ulo ko pag gising ko. Kaya di na lang ako matutulog.


4. I am heartbroken and I keep replaying the past in my mind.


5. I am too giddy with happiness and excitement and I can't sleep.


6. I'm too engrossed with the book I'm reading, or with the task that I'm doing.
7. I'm too lazy to sleep. I just want to stare blankly at nothing.


8. I drank too much coffee.


9. I watched too much TV/VCD/DVD/HBO/ETC
   
   ...and the all-time classic:
   


10. I don't want to sleep because that means i have to wake up and face another dreadful day tomorrow.

Rlimpics Rally

Makati Skyline, 6AM

For the past three years, Richard has been celebrating his birthday by holding a sportsfest amongst friends. Last year, the awarding ceremony was held at Subic, with a car rally (a la Amazing Race) to make things more interesting. This year, the awarding ceremonies was held in Kabayan Resort, in Laiya, Batangas.

The beach was great, perfect for little kids and those afraid of the deep unknown sea. You could walk a long long way, and the water would still be upto your waist. You definitely wouldn't be afraid to drown here. The water is clear, and the sand is fine. Not as white or as fine as Boracay, but fine and white enough. Although resorts dot the beach front, the place isn't too commercialized. Going there is a bit rough though...you would have to pass through a stretch of rough, dusty road. The place is around 3-4 hours away from Manila. A nice alternative vacation place.

Kabayan Resort
Laiya, Batangas

This Is My Life

"This is your life, are you who you want to be..."

Switchfoot's song was blaring from my radio while I was driving home this evening. It was past midnight, and though I knew Quirino Avenue would still be slow-moving at this hour, I chose to pass that way tonight. I don't know, maybe I wanted to feel alone amidst the slow moving traffic. I wanted to contemplate my life while driving in the dark but familiar streets of Manila, with the radio comforting me in my self-imposed loneliness.

I am not really alone in life. I have my friends, I have my parents, I have my family. My family with its soap-opera-like secrets. Or maybe I'm just trying to make my life, my origins, sound more interesting than usual. In any case, I know it doesn't matter. I know the truth, and I know my truth. And that is really all that matters in this life. To know your truth, to know who you are, who you want to be, and who you ought to be. A great big struggle to be who you want while still making peace with who your loved ones want you to be. Life. Life is supposed to be lived passionately, and, well, there are moments you just want to be alone, and moments you want to make a great big splash of an entrance. Moments when you want to run away as fast as your legs can carry you. Moments when you are silent, but you want to punch the wall as hard as you possibly can. Give the world all your strength, and after the fact, lie there on the floor, totally exhausted but satisfied that you fought back.

"yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead

yesterday is a promise that you've broken"

A million different ways. Life could have turned out a million different ways. I see patches of my life in other people's lives, only we have different endings. Different choices, different results, different people. Same pattern, different paths. The wheel of life turns, and there are moments I feel neglected, forgotton, abandoned, ignored.

"this is your life, are you who you want to be

this is your life, are you who you want to be

this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be

when the world was younger and you had everything to lose"

No, this isn't really how I wanted to be when I was younger. Well, parts of it, yes. And parts...I don't know. We all have to cope somehow with what we have. The most sane thing to do in this world is to accept what you have and believe that it is the best thing that could happen to you. To believe that you are better off because of it, not inspite of it. Some people call that settling. And some people call that being strong and realistic.

"yesterday is a kid in the corner

yesterday is dead and over"

Yesterday is dead and over. But me...I'm still alive.

Cabaret

What good is sitting alone

In your room?

Come hear the music play.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum...

Come to the Cabaret.

Put down the knitting,

The book and the broom.

Time for a holiday.

Life is a Cabaret, old chum,

Come to the Cabaret.

Striking play...a bit slow in some parts. Monique Wilson is really good, and so are the rest of the cast. If you were expecting a "fun" play, yes it was fun, but it was also a sad comment on the rise of Nazis in Germany at the time before WWII.

*http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/Balcony/5705/Cabaret.html

Murphy's Law

Exxxx Cannot connect to Broker

This error message greeted me today. I'm already late and I can't start working because of this error (I could explain why, but it would take too long =p)

In any case, this is Murphy's Day. Murphy's Law at work.

Rejoice. And celebrate. Just be careful not to fall flat on your face (Murphy's law, ok).

one more day

One more day to go before the Samsung AXN Challenge....I'm excited, but I'm also afraid. It's my first adventure race (not counting the utrekarera race within our small group), and of course I am afraid. I'm pretty sure I'm not as fast as the race veterans, but what if they're too fast and they bump into me and I can't jump out of the way in time and I fall splat straight towards the asphalt ground and I have to cry because the injury hurts too much? Waaa!

Sigh...breathe in....breathe out....in any case, I learned a lot in the short month that we've been preparing. I learned to ride a bike around the metro, rollerblade (sort of, I can still walk faster), sisid (yes I never learned to do that before), rappel properly, and dragon-boat row. I learned that rowing is an interesting sport, as long as 1) I overcome this inability to wake up very early, and 2) I keep at it because my endurance at this sport isn't really all that good.

I'm afraid. But right now, I should concentrate at my work. Stupid work and reworks. Reworks not my fault but I have to do them, and I can't bring myself to concentrate enough on the task at hand. You know how sometimes when you're done with a project, you don't want to think about it anymore? Well, here it is. I don't want to think about it. I am concentrating very hard to re-format my brilliant solution into the new framework being designed by other people. I mean, that's well and good and as it should be, but the problem is, there's a time frame, a project deadline I was trying to catch. And now more work needs to be done but the project deadline did not move at all. And it's my fault since I can't concentrate. I can't think. I want to be a mindless athlete earning big bucks. Or a social butterfly who just needs to be charming and doesn't need to actually do any work. Bah! Why am I complaining. This is my bread and butter. This feeds my whims and fancies.

Some days I like my work. And some days...I just want to leave it all behind.

sugar-free

I finally broke up with my boyfriend, and I AM FINALLY FREE!!!

haha, of course he still doesn't know it yet. But really, enough is enough. The fact that imagining myself free of him gives me such a sense of relief means it is time. Hmm...of course I'm a teeny weeny bit afraid that it may always be time to move on, and that I may never have that chance to settle into my happy-ever-after ending. Maybe there is no ending for me. Maybe I'll be a fabulously hip single person at 60. Who knows. Anyway, let the future decide itself. Today, my quote of the day is from Eleanore Roosevelt. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." And starting today, I don't, and I won't, consent anymore.

Dearest (for Virginia)

Dearest,

I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer.

I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been.
V.

5:30 Rants

Let me rant.

• There was this email that I was trying to compose and send to a customer, but this email client keeps on hanging up on me. It takes me more than 30 minutes to get the darn email to send, and before I even do that, I find out that my boss has already replied to the customer. All because it took me very long to send the goddarn email.
  



• Why can't SquirrelMail be like...yahoo!? Look at the documentation for Squirrelmail version 1.4.3a (the version we're using):
  
  The SquirrelMail development team are pleased to announce the release of 1.4.3a. This release contains a minor bug fix that seemed to have caused some issues with users in replying to mail. This release also contains numerous XSS fixes from the 1.4.3 release.
  
  --> Waaa!!! I'm still having "issues" when replying to mail!!!!
  



• From their website (squirrelmail.org):
  
  SquirrelMail has all the functionality you would want from an email client, including strong MIME support, address books, and folder manipulation
  
  --> Nooooo. It doesn't contain *all* the functionality I would want from an email client. I want to be able to compose in HTML, which Squirrelmail doesn't support (or I don't know how to configure this). And it tends to hang when replying to email! (see previous bullet point).
  



• Haven't slept yet. Haven't you noticed? Haha. And today of all days, when I'm supposed to meet someone at 6:30 AM. I am so trying to bury my ass in the mud.
  



• !#$#%@#$@$@#$**^*#
  



• Well, here's to another day....

William Shatner's Common People

This is the funny song of the day.

It has been 35 years since the release of William Shatner's debut album (yes, this is true). In his new album produced by Ben Folds (sounds familiar?), Shatner sings/raps/speaks his way through the song "Common People":

I took her to a supermarket.
I don't know why, but I had to start it somewhere.
So it started there!
I said, pretend you've got no money.
She just laughed and said, oh, you're so funny!
I said, yeah? Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here!
Are you sure you want to live like common people?
You want to see whatever common people see?
You want to sleep with common people?
You want to sleep with common people like me?
But she didn't understand...

He speaks throughout the song, putting in a little tune here and there. Imagine poetry reading with a bit of background music thrown in. Nevertheless the song is catchy, and strangely enough, it almost made me smile (in amazement? in ridicule? in respect?) The song has a deeper meaning in there somewhere, but knowing the song is by William Shatner sort of makes it easier to overlook that fact. I don't know about the whole album, but the song "Common People" is quite tongue-in-cheek, and you never really know if you're laughing at Shatner, or laughing with him. Yes, Captain Kirk is singing with a wink and a smile.

You'll never live like common people!
You'll never do whatever common people do!
You'll never fail like common people!
You'll never watch your life slide out of view,
and dance, and drink, and screw!
Because there's nothing else to do!

The song "Common People" also features Joe Jackson, and is from Shatner's new album, "Has Been", released October 2004 in the US of A (where else, the self-proclaimed capital of the world). For more legitimate information about William Shatner's album, you can try that bastion of American journalism, CNN.

Starting off on the right foot

Yes, it took me a lot of effort to get my day started. It's one of those "cold-engine" days when you just can't get rev up and get into gear at once. You're just idling around, taking your own sweet time, while the office frantically calls you up every few minutes and you calmly make excuses as to why you're not still there.

---===ooo===---

It's always great to want something, right? So, off the top of my head right now, my top ten wish list:

1. "Island Riddims", a Pinoy reggae various-artists compilation CD
2. Watch "First Daughter". (Yes, I can be really shallow. And I find Katie Holmes cute.)
3. Watch "Before Sunset" (supposed to be an intellectually romantic movie, where "words, not plot, matter". This, from Dolly Ann Carvajal's column in the Inquirer. What can I say? I'd like to find out what the heck a romantically wordy movie is!)
4. Watch that James Stewart movie that is always shown on TV in the US during Christmas (at least that's what I remember reading somewhere.) It's a really old black-and-white movie, yep! It's A Wonderful Life!
5. Lose some pounds (yes, yes, yes. women can be vain and border on the anorexic)
6. Finish all my work so I can slack off in peace
7. Watch Cabaret, the musical (showing every Fridays and Saturdays, 8PM at the Music Museum, till December 4)
8. a new bike?

Great. My own Top Ten list, and I can only fill it up till number 8. Oh well. This only means one thing -- there's room for a whole lot more. Cheers.

---===ooo===---

<silence>

Yes, it is past 2:30 AM.

*sigh*

<silence>

Bicol, Part 1

It started out as a possible road trip from hell.

Due to (my) unattainable work goals, bus trips had to be re-scheduled, and we had to brave the weekend All-Saints-Day rush to the province. A lot of people were going back to the province, and we couldn't find an aircon bus where we can reserve seats. We ended up meeting up at 5:30 AM at the Cubao bus station, to try to catch the first trip to Bicol. We boarded a non-aircon bus, which was supposed to leave at 6:30, but ended up leaving Manila around 7:30. Don't ask me why.


Beautiful Bicol as seen from the bus

At first, the bus breezed its way through Edsa, South Super Highway, then Laguna. It sort of stalled somewhere in Quezon...the sun was beating down, the bus wasn't moving, and it was really HOT. And you know how humid-hot it can get in the Philippines. Anyway, the bus started moving again, and by 2PM there were high hopes of reaching Sorsogon by at most 7PM. But no! The bus had to stop at several gas stations along the way, and finally, the bus broke down. It was 8PM then, and we were still around 2 hours away from Sorsogon.

Anyway, not everything that starts out bad, ends up bad. We had fun, the sights were good, and we had lots of good luck, good fortune, and good food. Our friend had a fishpond in Libmanan, Camarines Sur, and their tilapia was truly yummy! Most tilapia when cooked are dry and taste like..well, tilapia. Their tilapia was juicy and tasted like lapu-lapu. According to Mang L., who took up a fisheries course at Gerry Geronimo's Ating Alamin program, it was because of the fresh water in their pond. In fact, Mang L. will be featured soon in the segment where Gerry Geronimo interviews successful alumni of his program. Watch out for that! (Sorry, I don't know what time Ating Alamin is shown)

At the ruins of Barcelona (Sorsogon)	The church at Caramoan (Camarines Sur)

It was seafoods galore, and we ate, drank, and were toured like we were kings (and queens). As my friend Beng said, we were really blessed. We had a priest-friend who hooked us up with his other priest-friends assigned to the different parishes we visited. When we asked our friend how we can ever repay their generosity, his reply was, "just be good". To someone who rarely goes to church (that's me), the whole trip has been a sort-of eye opener about the church's role in our culture. Bicol had plenty of beautiful old churches, and the Catholic Church and its traditions are deeply ingrained in the lives of its people. The Church was ever present in the lives of the people in the Spanish times, and even upto now, the Church is ever present still in their lives. All of the priests we met were young. You wouldn't be able to guess they were priests by the way they dressed. They didn't wear stuffy cassocks or that ubiquitous white band around their neck. They may be young, but they know what they wanted to do. They are smart, idealistic, and most of all, human, just like us ordinary people.


Caramoan

Yep, we were lucky indeed. There are still a million things to see and do in our country. The world is a beautiful place, and I do hope that someday, we all get to fulfill our potential to be good.

Camarines Sur, is dubbed as the rice granary (camarines) of the south (sur). It is home to Mts. Isarog and Iriga, and boasts of stretches of pristine beaches like Gota in the Caramoan Peninsula and those in the Atulayan Islands in Sagnay. Camarines sur is basically agricultural, but mining is also a growing industry. There are deposits of gold, silver, chromite, copper and other metals in the eastern side. The province also has rich fishing grounds.

Sorsogon in the Bicol Peninsula is at the southeastern tip of Luzon Island. Mountains sprawl along the northeastern part of the province. The tallest peak is Mount Bulusan, an active volcano 1,560 m above sea level; Lake Bulusan lies on its slopes. Except for landlocked Irosin, all the towns lie along the coast.

More pictures at http://www.pbase.com/xieurx/bicol&page=all. Information about Bicol from http://oasis.fortunecity.com/acapulco/215/region5/region5.htm.

when?

...I had a dream
I had an awesome dream
People in the park
Playing games in the dark...

When does love change from gooey romantic love to a resigned disinterested one?

More dramatically, maybe the question should be, when does love die?

How did it die? Did it die suddenly, as if waking up with a jerk from some dream? Did it die slowly, with every insult and every hurt a stab that eventually kills you?

Whatever the cause for thinking love is dead, when do you know if it's time to go, or if you should give it one more chance?

...And what they played
Was a masquerade
From behind the walls of doubt
A voice was crying out...

one day

sleepy words assail me
the pungent smell of dog poo wafts through the cool night air
there is a future, there always is
and tomorrow is another day we have to face
in a cycle where sometimes we find ourselves above it all
and sometimes we are rolling in deep shit
like a roller coaster drop
your stomach plummets to the floor
right before that big hurl through gravity and height

the smell of freshly baked bread tempts me
buttery fragrance that will forever remind me of sleepy mornings and bright sunshines
and of course there is a reason for every past heartache and sorrow
except that like morning showers, we have to do everything again
every day
every single day
every single normal day

that single effort is not enough
and you find yourself doing the same thing every day
every single day
every single normal day
and then your life
has just passed by
one day
one single day
one single normal day at a time

Of Vanity and Health

Seemed to have gained 5 pounds over the weekend. Well, I haven't really gone to the gym for over a month now, although I should because I availed of my employer's gym benefit and I am required to go to the gym at least 5 times per month. Talk about pressure.

I was planning to go today though. Except it's now 8PM and I still have a gazillion things to do that I'm not really in the mood for. Sigh. There's a travel writing workshop coming up, I don't know if I should go, what with my unpredictable schedule and all. In any case, the travel writing workshop would take 4 Wednesdays to complete, and well, I do have a meeting set for this Wednesday. And it does cost money, and I am kinda spending a lot these days. Have to spend money this weekend since we're going to Batangas...and then again the week after that, since we're planning on going to Bicol. Shoot, that reminds me, I have to file my leave. Oh, crap.

You know what, I injured my knee last Sunday when I fell off a bike. Yes, like a little lost kid, I fell off a bike and scratched my knee. The wound is still fresh though, and sometimes it hurts, a sudden pain shooting through my knee. Must be the bacteria having a blast.

Back to work....

Faith

Sometimes it all just boils down to faith. Addictions are crutches and vices are the rituals we perform to make things easier. Anything, to make life a bit easier.

"I can't tell you how to get there, but you know where to go."
-- Fait, character played by DMZ, Cradle 2 the Grave

Or something like that. I was watching HBO, that's why. In any case, there's no clear coherent emotionally honest artistic thought in me, so there goes this blog. This blog is going the way of song lyrics and misquoted movie lines.


Movies I want to watch (but haven't):

1. Chasing Amy
2. The Professional
3. My Sassy Girl
4. Me without you
5. Chungking Express
6. Before Sunrise

Adventure of the week:
http://www.pbase.com/xieurx/avilon


Cynical post of the week:

There are times for beginnings, and time for endings. In a relationship, there are two synergies working. And when one bogs down, there's never really any guarantee that the relationship will still work. Such is life, such is being human. We're not ducks, we don't mate for life. We mate for convenience, and for the comfort of having someone to blame when all else fails.

am tired

am tired
am sick
am stressed out

1:43 AM

I have this penchant for 1:43. Everytime I look at the watch, I notice if the time says 1:43, and it just strikes me. Maybe it's the corny implications of 1-4-3, I-Love-You. Maybe it reminds me of childhood love and stupid infatuations and happy romances. I don't know. In any case, while I was in the middle of some crisis at work, I looked at the PC clock, and there it was, "1:43 AM".

1:43 AM, no work laptop (being repaired), and stuck in a crisis with 3 people helping me out. Rather, we were all helping each other out. It's now 3AM, the crisis has abated but remains unresolved. It's time to sleep and rest, but I can't, not yet anyway. I still feel hyper, so here I am, writing in my blog.

There are actually so many things I want to say, so many things I haven't done. Sometimes in the middle of doing something I think of something profound, but when the time comes to actually write it down, it's gone. It's gone, trivialized, forgotten, distorted, just plain gone. Which is why I haven't written anything down in this blog so far. I could tell you about my weekend, about Tarak, a mountain in Bataan, and how beautiful it is, and how great the ridge at the peak was. I could tell you about how the white stones are covered with such green moss, and how the trees at the peak look like giant bonsais. I could tell you about the trail, a snapshot straight of an autumn postcard, so much so that it really made you feel that you were in some other country. I could post pictures and help you see, but I doubt I can do that, make you see that is. And however which way I'll describe that sight would most probably not do the place any justice.

I could tell you about my dreams and aspirations. I could tell you about my frustrations, at work and in life. I could tell you how extremely hungry I am right now, and how I really wish I bought a pack of Granny Goose Tortillas home. I could also tell you about my little accomplishments, and how I finally learned to ride a bike. I could tell you how I woke up one morning with a dream in my mind, and that dream convinced me that it was time for me to learn to bike. Embarassingly enough, I actually cried when I was able to finally balance myself. I guess it was such an "accepted" trivial shortcoming that to think of actually overcoming it made me emotional. And so I cried. And so I will forever be thankful to that dream, and to the person who taught me to ride a bike.

Dreams do come true, trivial though they may be.

Team Joey

http://www.pbase.com/xieurx/tnf&page=all

Friday afternoon, Beng texted me to ask: "Pwede ka ba mag-support group sa North Face Challenge?"

It was an adventure challenge race sponsored by North Face (duh), partly to launch their first official store in the Philippines, soon to open at the Shangrila Mall at Crossing. From Timberland Heights in San Mateo, Rizal, the participants were supposed to bike, then trek through the mountains to go to Wawa, Montalban; do a Tyrolean traverse across Wawa Dam; bike through the rivers and muddy slopes of Montalban, rappel, boulder-climb, then run all the way from SSS Village in Marikina to Libis, Quezon City. Whew. What a tiring activity! I was only part of the support group, so we mainly just waited for the participants to reach certain points so we can assist them, but it was really tiring. The hot noonday sun shone bright at Wawa Dam, and just going back and forth between the parking area and the dam area itself made me feel I was part of the race. The heat, the sweat, the sun. Ah, what more for the participants of the actual race? May karapatan pa ba akong magreklamo na umitim ako, eh mas lalo na kaya yung mga participants dun sa race!

In any case, even with all the scratches and injuries and hardships endured, no doubt the participants would want to do it again next year. Ganyan naman pag adventure racing, pag mountain climbing, pag scuba diving. Pag naumpisahan mo na, katawan mo na lang ang bibigay, pero hindi ang puso mo.

twisted

This is a sell-out. Writing song lyrics to pretend that I have some deep emotion that I can't express otherwise in my own heartfelt words. Perhaps because there are no heartfelt words. Or perhaps there are no words. Or no heartfelt emotion deep enough to stir something out of my dazed brain. In any case, I struggle along. Just like everybody else. Going by on too little sleep, too much food, and too little exercise. Trying to second-guess fate and love and destiny and my customers at work. Okay, that was too deep. I am not trying to second-guess destiny and love and fate. I don't even know what's in store for me.

Finally, things are moving a bit more smoothly at work. I'm still an insomniac. Hello, I'm writing a blog at 2AM when I have to be up by 5AM today. But then, isn't the search for the meaning of life a deeper purpose than trying to get some sleep? Ah, the wonders of twisted logic.

Song lyrics swirl in my head. I wish I was someplace else, but I am here. Right now. Right here. And there are so many things to do here. So many things to see, so many places to go to, so many friends to spend time with. And so little time. And so little resources. So what do I do? I end up writing a blog at 2AM in the morning. So many things that can be done, and I wonder, have I let life just whizz by me? Am I giving up part of who I am, to accommodate how some other person sees me? And by limiting who I am to spend it with someone else, am I not also limiting his options and locking him up in some relationship prison? And I wonder...and I second-guess. They say you gotta play your cards just right, and sometimes I just want to be like a wet dog who just gets out of the damn water and shakes its fur and walks away.

Ah...the wonders of twisted analogies.

a song for the broken hearted

I don't know why I'm into song lyrics now. Anyway, while I was riding home in a taxi, I heard this song on the radio, and it just reminded me of the times when I was broken hearted and I couldn't even bear to hear this song...mainly because the lyrics were playing in my head and punching me where it hurts the most.

Anyway, those times are over, or so I think. :) So this song is dedicated to those who've gone through heartbreak and back. And back again.

So far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
How I wish I could, but you're so far away

One more song about movin' along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend it bein' close to you.

But you're so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're so far away

Oh, so far away
Travelin' around sure gets me down and lonely
Nothin' else to do but close my mind
I sure hope the road don't come to own me
There's so many dreams I've yet to find

But you're so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
And it doesn't help to know you're so far away

- Carole King, "So Far Away"

Buti na lang nandyan ka

Ako'y isang malungkot na bata
Palakad-lakad lang
Wala rin namang mapupuntahan
At madalas, madulas, at nung parang ayoko na

Buti na lang nandyan ka...buti na lang nandyan ka...sinta!!
Pano na lang ako kung wala ka, sinta?
Pano na lang ako?

Minsan ako'y naligaw ng daan
Tinalikuran ng kaibigan at biglang napag iwanan
At madalas, ako'y madulas, at nung parang ayoko na

Buti na lang nandyan ka...

*song by e-heads sound-alike, sugarfree -- "sinta"

just dreaming

Today, I glimpsed my future condo.

Well, not really. Because first of all, it wasn't really a condo, it was a residential hotel in the middle of Makati. One of those hotel-type apartments that cater to foreign business people assigned to Makati. It wasn't mine, because a company rented the room for the entire month for one of its expat professionals. The expat left early, before the end of the month, which was why BF and a few others were allowed to sleep and basically crash the place.

It was spacious, with a bed wide enough for three people, a kitchen, a sala, a dining area complete with a round dining table, a TV, DVD/VCD players, very soft sofa seats, and a striking view of Makati and the Roxas Blvd coastline (it was on the 19th floor). It was like a demo-unit of a dream one-bedroom condo unit. Perfect for parties and friendly get-togethers, or just for relaxing and chilling out. Kulang na lang ay wide-screen flat TV, and solve na ako.

I liked it. A lot.

Top Ten Words for the day

Earthquake
Ponti
Shakers
Arctic Melon
Open Bar
Amazing Race
Supply Plan Web Entry
Flickering Monitors
Snacku
Puyatan

paying the price

I am paying the price for losing a laptop.

My laptop's screen is flickering, sometimes blanking out to a pure white background. It is frustrating when I am trying to finish up some work and I can't see a damn thing. Sometimes I make do with the flickering and the jumping up and down of the screen. It's like watching a TV screen trying to catch a channel signal. It is annoying and irritating as hell.

Patience is a virtue, they say. So I try to be patient. I try to remove and re-install the video driver everytime my laptop screen acts up, but this is more of a hardware error more than anything else.

Right now I am making do by attaching my laptop to a monitor. Ideally, they should give me a new laptop. This one is old, second-hand (or maybe even third-hand), and acts up a lot. But some clever thief got away with my laptop and I am paying the price. They may not have deducted it from my salary, but definitely it is taking its toll on my patience, my thoughts on how my employer perceives my value, and it is taking its toll on the quality of my work.

Then everybody loses.

what didn't happen (don't take it seriously)

Today, I didn't get to watch Dodgeball, a True Underdog story. Emotions run high, and low. Very low. All past transgressions relived and remembered. Men are scum, and men will leave you at the slightest inconvenience. Irrational thoughts, yes. Emotional thoughts, definitely.

I cry like I haven't cried in a long time. With emotion, with heartache, with resignation.

So I stay home, postpone work, and get to watch AutoFocus: The Bob Crane story on cable instead. I stay for the next movie, Vin Diesel's cocky Xander Cage and Samuel L. Jackson's Augustus Gibbons in Triple XXX, the movie. Quite ironic. Bob Crane was really into porn, and the next movie they show after his biography is Triple XXX?

So the question is, why? I try to be good. I try to be a sport about it. I get stuck in traffic for 3 hours. I try to make nothing of it. I haven't slept well since Wednesday, go on an 8-hour hike up a mountain, get really tired going down the mountain, fall flat on my face, get my head bonked on overhanging trees, have body aches all over, slam my face on the restroom door, and still I'm not rich enough or good enough to buy my own car and condo and live in a terror-free and economically successful society.

Xander Cage says, "I live for this shit." Maybe, the shit lives for me.

http://www.pbase.com/xieurx/mt_binangonan&page=all

running deep

Still waters run deep, so they say. So this time, I am trying to be still. Or rather, trying to be silent. Doesn't silence equal stillness?

I have been silent in this blog for the past week. I've been making progress in my work project, although my work is still delayed and I'm still cramming to catch up. I'm not just fighting against my own laziness, I am also fighting against my laptop's tendency to hang, to flicker, and to show me a blank white screen at inappropriate times. There's something wrong with my video display driver...although I think I'm getting my boss's old laptop (since he's getting a new one). Oh, the wonders of hand-me-downs.

So anyway, in the relative silence of the past week, here are some realizations I have had:

• "Integrity" -- integrity is keeping one's word, but integrity does not just refer to how you keep your word with others. It also involves keeping your word to yourself. If you tell yourself that you're going to do something, and you end up not doing it, you have no integrity. You don't respect yourself enough to keep your own promises.
  
  I learned this while attending the Effective Communications seminar we had earlier in the week. The whole seminar was not really worth it, everything they taught was a summary of what we learned during college Comm1-3. But the definition of integrity was one of the things that struck me (during the times when I was actually listening). I really needed to keep my own word. And do the things I said I'd do.
  
  
• "Positive thinking" -- realization while browsing through the self-help books at Powerbooks. Yes, you actually have to visualize accomplishing your task, and reaching your goals. It all starts in your mind. If you can't visualize it, it can't happen.
  
  
• "Tempus fugit" -- Time flies. It's Sunday again. Isn't it amazing? Plus, I've been browsing through my old notebooks earlier (looking for a scratch paper to use), and it turns out it has been exactly one year since I enrolled for IS2 (Thesis Defense) for my Master's degree. Time really flies; one year later, I still haven't done anything. BUT...I will do something about that. Sometime later, when I'm not so busy and not so trying to kill myself with worry and work.
  
  
• "Work Out" -- We're going to climb again next week. I'm totally out of shape, haven't gone to the gym for more than a month now. Well, I'd have to start this week then. Since they say the climb is difficult, lots of river-crossings and 90-degree climbs.
  
  I do remember the first time I climbed a mountain. I was hungover from a gimik the night before. Too much booze and smoking, so while I was climbing up this mountain, my head was aching, I was sweating like a pig, and I was running out of breathe. And that folks, is not something I'd like to feel again.
  

Okay, my laptop's screen is starting to flicker again. I gotta go. Ciao.

Lost + Found

Yahoo!!!

Someone found my secureID! It turns out I left it in the office last Friday night. Whew! I'm so happy I could hug everyone!

Whew!

Plus, somebody found my umbrella, the one listed as "missing" awhile back. Ahh...life is good.

On a Monday Night

I hate myself. I keep losing stuff. Right now I cannot find the secureID that I use to log in to work. A 6000-peso value if I might add. And I don't know where the fucking hell that thing is. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

----oooOOOooo----
Signs. It's everywhere. The signs are...I should be going now. But I'm a stubborn old bitch. And here I am, staying put.

----oooOOOooo----
I could always blame it on being drunk. Three tequilas and 2 beers can bring a decent girl down. But unfortunately, I'm not drunk. I'm just telling the truth. And the truth is, either I make it with what I've got, or I run out and run away.

I don't think you'll understand that. That previous sentence is clear as day, and everything I want to say. But I doubt anyone will understand. I doubt that even I will understand that after ten minutes. But let me try to repeat that again. Either I make it with everything I've got right now, or I leave everything and run away. It doesn't really matter if you understand that, because as I was looking up at the stars tonight, I saw that one big bright star, the one that always accompanied me on my way home before. There's a big dream that's dying to bust out of me, and if it doesn't bear fruit soon, I die. You will never know how many of my dreams have died and resurrected. Just as maybe I will never know yours either.

On a selfish note, I want to be above where I am now, and who you think your family should be. Is that really bad or selfish? You don't give me much choice. You could have swept me away and not let me think. But you chose to not be consumed by your passion, which leads me to believe that maybe this may not be your passion after all. The space you gave yourself also gave me room to maneuver. Room to think. And I want more. And the fact that I have to fend for myself to get what I want greatly saddens me. And I can't go on. I guess it was just ego that led me all along to believe that I could be more blessed and loved than anyone else. And on those good moments, I do believe I could be more than I am now. I do believe that God loves me and that God is smiling down on me and his sun shines down only for me. And on bad days...I think I let him down completely.

I wish I could blame it on being drunk. But as Jimi Hendrix said, it is my life, and it is my death. So whatever it is I do, I blame it on myself.

----oooOOOooo----

"Look for the girl with the broken smile

and ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be love..." -- Maroon Five.

Stressed and Confused

I can't stop eating now.

Since Friday, I've been munching and munching and eating and eating and I'm never full. Is this how I cope with stress?

Time passes so quickly, it's very frustrating. I remember a "fun" psych quiz question a while back. Based on how quickly you think time passes (is it slow? too fast? just right?), it indicates how happy or unhappy you are with your life. I don't remember what the answers mean now, but I do know that right now, it seems time passes too quickly. It seems only yesterday when I was watching Sunday night TV and panicking on missed work deadlines. Now, it's another Sunday, and the same tasks still have not been done.

It is sickening. I need a change.

the last song

Don't we all do it? Sing in our minds, that is. It's that irritating LSS -- that last song syndrome that just won't go away. The song stays with you ALL day; you sing it in your mind while you're walking, while you're working, while you're talking even. Some last songs are better than others. They stay with you, and they make your day a bit better.

Here are some of this week's more sensible soundtracks of my mind. Sing out loud with me:

1. "Run", Kitchie Nadal
   
   Kitchie's breathless vocals here seem a bit different from her performance for former band mojofly. But with her husky and sultry delivery, this song is bound to be a promising break-through single for Kitchie's solo career. Well, at least, it got my attention. You know how I love sultry female voices.
   

   Run fast if you can
   I'm gonna get you anyway, there's nowhere to hide, baby
   Breathe in, breathe out
   It's almost over now

2. "Taning", Imago
   
   Aya's semi-yodeling makes me want to yodel along. Initially hard-to-notice, the song takes some getting used to. After listening to it several times, the song grows on you.
   
   

   "Tama ba na aminin na nating
   May taning
   Ang pag-ibig natin"



3. "Masaya", Bamboo
   
   What can I say? This is Bamboo. That formerly-bald frontman for Rivermaya. After several years (decades?), he's back. With a new band. Named...Bamboo.
   

   Ako'y malungkot na naman
   Amoy chico na ako
   Ilang tagay na, hindi pa rin tulog
   Tanong ko lang sa langit
   Kung bakit pumangit
   Ang dating masaya
   Ngayo'y panay problema
   Bumabalot sa mundo
   Bakit ganito...
   Ang pag-ibig, ganyan talaga
   'Pag bago pa ang pag-ibig
   Ganyan talaga, masaya

   
   


4. "Hey Julie", Fountains of Wayne
   
   Funny. Catchy. Makes you want to smile. And maybe snap your fingers and nod your head. Or maybe just be thankful for someone to love.
   

   Hey Julie,
   Look what they're doing to me
   Trying to trip me up
   Trying to wear me down
   Julie, I swear, it's so hard to bear it
   And I'd never make it through without you around

   
   

In Memoriam

In Memory of My Trusty Light-weight Umbrella
September 20, 2003 - August 17, 2004 (MIA)

For every ending, there is a beginning. A spark that got the whole ball rolling.

Memories

I loved this umbrella. For one thing, it had the number one feature I wanted that all my other umbrellas before didn't have. It was lightweight. If I put it in my bag, it's like I wasn't carrying anything else. My shoulders didn't have to ache from carrying my shoulder bag too long, and nobody kept bugging me, "ano bang nilalagay mo dyan sa bag mo, ba't ang bigat?"


Beginnings

How I came to buy the umbrella is another story in itself. B. and I were touring Sentosa Island, Singapore then, and a sudden heavy downpour was making it impossible for us to get around the island. We only had one day, and of course, we wanted to see everything there was to see. We rushed into the nearest souvenir shop, and people were snapping up the umbrellas and raincoats! The raincoats were the cheapest. Made of entirely clear plastic, it was just an ordinary thin plastic made into a raincoat and meant to be used just once. The other options were a big wooden-handled umbrella (quite heavy), and this foldable (aluminum?) umbrella. The foldable umbrella was unfortunately the most expensive one. But at the same time, it was exactly what I wanted in an umbrella! I was meaning to buy one even before that trip, but I just never found an umbrella this lightweight in the malls. I really liked the umbrella, but I didn't like the "tourist" price. In the end, since (a) we were tourists anyway and (b) we really needed something since it was raining hard and (c) the umbrella was the most cost-efficient option, we bought the foldable umbrella.

Back in Manila, I still kept the search for the lightweight foldable umbrella open. A friend had one that was really lightweight, but she bought it in some high-end store, and really, unless I was a tourist and stuck in the middle of a torrential downpour, I would feel really bad spending that much money for an umbrella.

I guess I was driving my boyfriend nuts that time, always checking out the department stores and not really buying anything. So he suggested I use the Singapore umbrella. To which I promptly balked. What? I didn't want to use it since it was (a) relatively not cheap, (b) I might ruin it and cry and (c) it had sentimental value. But then again, as they say, what good is having the best crystals if you just keep it on display in the glass cabinet, right? Things are meant to be used, not stored and forgotten in some mysterious place. So I ended up using it.

And eventually losing it.

Endings

One rainy day, the day right after I recovered from a high fever, I left my umbrella in the corner to dry. It was a busy day, and as I left the office, I forgot that I left my umbrella just sitting there on the damn floor. I only remembered that my umbrella was missing when I was cleaning up my backpack on Thursday. That was two days later. There it was, the umbrella case was innocently lying inside my messy backpack, but where in the world was my umbrella? I asked the guards at the office, and my officemates, but no one had seen it. It was gone. Pffffttt. Kaput. Abracadabra-like-magic-gone.

(On a paranoidal sidenote, I am realizing why I am beginning to hate my office. I keep losing things. I lose my laptop. I lose my umbrella. What next? My sanity? My sense of well being? Why me? Are there goblins and trolls around?)


Moving On

And so I will always remember that umbrella fondly. It wasn't "just" an umbrella. Because of its origins, and its character, that umbrella will always have a soft spot in my heart. The umbrella may be gone, but everything associated with it, will remain with me.

Goodbye. And may you give your new owner (well, it couldn't really have miraculously disappeared) the same joy and satisfaction you have given me.

Puff the Magic Dragon.
In front of the place where we bought the umbrella

Note: Special thanks to hello.com for posting the pictures to this blog.

A night in the office

Just another ordinary night in the office...

tama bang

aminin na nating may taning

itong pag ibig natin

dakila man

walang kasaysayang kakapit

sa bulag na pag ibig

-- Imago, "Taning"

Just a song that keeps playing in my mind. Aya's lilting voice playing in my head, lifting up my spirits with a song that really talks about a love that is about to be let go of.

permiso sa isang araw na

makasama ka

abiso ng pusong bulag

na humahanga

She wails through her plea to be with her loved one, even for just one day.

"Our co-workers have no idea. They speak only of miracles. This is our story. This is our group. And we are one hell of a supergroup."

Around the other aisle, Tonette is dubbing her lines for the short movie that Jay is making. I sit here in my cubicle, typing this blog, while trying to motivate myself to dive into those complex lines of code. Will I get Alzheimer's if I don't use my brain? Urban legends of the twisted mind...times like these, I really wonder why I get into this "cram-slam-bang" situations. Deadlines everywhere, and I'm still "trying" to motivate myself to start the work?? Terrible work habits...I didn't used to be like this. It's never really a problem of understanding, it's more like a problem of revving the motor and starting the engine and getting the whole show on the road.

"Ganda ng ngiti mo ah"

Monna and Karen come back, from a "drinking" gimik somewhere nearby. In a few moments, the rest of the people come back, and the office is loud again. Alive. Milan, the handsome foreigner guy who's the center of attention, walks by and smiles. Ah, I knew he noticed me...

And so another night rolls by. Another night, and in a few hours, another new day.

I Got Sick

What a creative title. I got sick. :) But as in, I really got sick. Monday night, while on a jeep on the way home, I was almost shivering because I felt so cold. As soon as I got home, I downed Vitamin-C and Biogesic Paracetamol tablets, gave myself a sponge bath, and tried to sleep away my fever. To no avail, I might add. I lay in bed for almost three hours, counting down from 800 to 1 in an effort to fall asleep. I read somewhere before that one of the effective methods to get down to a trance-like (and therefore sleep-like) state was to count downwards -- it wasn't as easy as counting up from 1 to 100, so you'd be concentrating more on the next number thus you'll be able to easily block out other thoughts from your mind. Unfortunately, I must be terrible at entering trance-like states, and my mind kept straying. I kept thinking of crazy reasons why I got sick.

Must be the new shoes...maybe the height of the heels had something to do with it....
Or it must have been the cold pizza I ate...
Or the reheated fried chicken I had for dinner...salmonella anyone?
Or maybe it was because I was allergic to the hair dye? Duh?
Or....

And the list went on and on. My thoughts even strayed to wedding gowns and dresses and churches and beaches and what would I wear on my wedding day and would I even get married and maybe I should try to migrate and but I'm too lazy now to uproot myself and if I migrate I have to finish my thesis and how did robin feel when he had to rush me to the hospital and why did the chicken cross the damn road?

And so in my delusional state, I wrapped myself tightly in my blanket, with all of the windows in my room tightly shut. I was cold, and yet I could really feel that my fever was burning hot. I was able to fall asleep eventually, and when I woke up, my head still ached and I still felt woozy. But I promised my boss I would go to work, especially since we also had to shoot the video that he would be using for a presentation next week. So despite my terrible state, I still went to work. Which is quite ironic, since this is the time that I'm really sick, and yet this is the time I don't use my sick leave. Wait, did I just admit that I'm not really that sick when I use my sick leaves? Oops...

So now, it's Wednesday. I feel much better now, just a nagging cough remains to remind me of that night. I think I'm still not over it yet, my throat still feels clogged and if I think too hard, my head aches. Haha. Just perfect. Could I use that as an excuse to slack off? =)

Everything Blah

I feel really bad...I'm about to get sick...I feel that a fever is about to come, my throat feels funny and clogged, and I have a dull aching headache. In fact, I feel like I'm about to puke. If I breathe deep enough, I will puke.

I want to sleep. Hopefully tonight my insomnia will not act up. I need to feel better. Another super long day tomorrow. I have to be up early.

Waaa!!!! And I'm still in the office right now. Still a long night ahead. Waaa!!! =(

Everything Black

They say you're only as good as your last hit. I guess a blog is also only as good as its last entry. And when you start straying into mediocre territory, nobody cares to read it anymore.

Black Coffee

Today I spilled coffee all over myself.

So while I sit here in my office cubicle trying to work, I smell strangely like brewed coffee. I washed some of it off, but the smell lingers.

Black Hair

Also, as part of my agenda to change something about myself (and consequently maybe change something about my life), I dyed my hair black last night. The color is blue-black, something much much blacker than what my natural haircolor is. And suddenly, I feel like I look so ... old. I guess the black starkly emphasizes my face, and my face is tired. But this hair change is a start. After we finish shooting Jay's short movie, I'm gonna have my hair cut really short. Then I'm gonna get either a dog, an apartment, or a new pet. Or on second thought, maybe I'll dye my hair red instead.

Black Shoes

And just on a positive note, I bought new black shoes last Saturday. Black boots with rubber soles, with maybe a 2-inch heel. And I'm happy, partly because I need new office shoes, and partly because I got it for sale. I'm happy. For now. =)

a comic strip for b.

a comic strip for B., since he doesn't know that the Nermal in the Garfield movie looks nothing like Nermal in the cartoon strip. :)

And here is how the other characters really looked.
(From left to right: Arlene, Garfield's stuffed toy (I forgot the name), Garfield, Nermal, Odie)

I just watched Garfield: the Movie, and though I came into the movie house not liking how the CGI-animated Garfield looked, in the end, that cartoon character with the big fat fluffy beer-bellied cat grew on me. I must say, that is one hell of a cute cat. I'm in love.

true love

true love will find its way
not usually in the way we expect it to
or the way we want it to.
but somehow, in the end, whatever the outcome
you realize...that life has its little moments.
and sometimes those moments are enough to help us glide along through the rough patches.

wasabi

an evening at wasabe 

Master Guru

It has been a slightly hectic but definitely unproductive day. Now, how could that be? Last night, I didn't sleep because I was trying to finish a project which I should have started long ago. Ah, the wonders of cramming. A sign of old age would be not being able to cram it up anymore. And frankly, I don't want to anymore, and I'm afraid that I no longer can.

As of now, I'm still programming here in the office. I'm slightly out of it, I don't want to think, so how the fuck can I effectively program? All right, I know. Thou shalt not swear.

It's such a long road ahead. I don't know what I'm doing in this world. This is the chant of the slightly insane, those pretending to be entirely normal but they're really sliding down a deep, dark abyss. You know the feeling when you're drunk, and you know you can just let go and be really crazy, but you try to be sane any way? You don't? Well, good for you.

Strangely, I don't really feel entirely stressed or anxious or concerned, but I know that I've been remiss in all my duties this week. As in, I've become an expert on pushing back deadlines and ignoring that big red "Game Over" sign in front of my face. You reap what you sow, they say. Me, I just like to write.

You know what I realized this morning, in between the time I gave up working and the time I actually went back to the office? I spent practically three hours just eating, reading the paper, and lying around the house. Despite the deadline, I'm not really cramming. More than anything, I was strategizing how to avoid the project's customer. Ahh...The art of the weasel. The art of relaxation. Zen. Nothing. I think I'm becoming an expert at the art of doing nothing.

Wonder Island

Wonder Island, Calamba, Laguna, Philippines

Saturday 12:30 pm, while I was groggily still reading the morning paper, Richard texted me: "Don't forget our outing today. Meet u at enterprise at 2pm."

No, I don't think I'm in the mood to go! I opened my laptop, and suddenly, I felt empowered to do my thesis. Must be a case of always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. This was a case of me procrastinating so I end up not doing anything. I just wanted to lounge around and not make the effort to do anything! But a promise is a promise, and I did say I would go.

I ate a little lunch, checked my emails, and at 1:30 PM, I texted back. "I don't think I can make it at 2PM. I'll be there around 2:30."

Of course I'm late. I took a quick shower, grabbed a few clothes, and made a mad dash to Makati, slightly peeved that I'm being rushed.

It was an almost two-hour drive to Calamba, and in the car, really hungry, Tenantz and I attacked Hazel's cassava cake to soothe hunger pangs. We met up with Sammy and Dang and their kids at Calamba, and finally arrived at the Wonder Island parking lot around 4:30. From there, we had to take a ten-minute ferry across Laguna de Bay to reach the resort. The ferry was clean. I was expecting a small banca, and well, it was nice to see a motorized boat (I can't describe it, suffice it to say it wasn't the typical banca). We reached Wonder Island, and surprise! There were no other guests but us. The whole island was ours.

Wonder Island?


Wonder Island is an island somewhere in Laguna de Bay. From Calamba, a short boat ride is needed to reach the island. Full of swimming pools (there must have been more than 5), the place is an ideal company outing destination. There are a lot of accommodations and dormitory-type rooms.

We spent the rest of the day swimming, eating, drinking, and singing karaoke. There was a juke-box like karaoke machine there that played songs for 5-pesos each. After dinner, we had an "American Idol" type contest to see who could get the highest score from the karaoke machine. If it wasn't for the fact that there were no more 5-peso coins left, we would have been singing till morning came.

Breakfast Cruise


 

In the morning, we had a breakfast cruise across Laguna de Bay. Breakfast was supposed to start at 7:30, but we only managed to get out of the room 30 minutes later. Good thing the owner of the resort also took his breakfast while cruising, so we were able to join up with him while he went on his morning cruise. Breakfast was tocino, garlic fried rice, eggs, papaya and bread. The pandesal was delicious! The cruise boat was really pretty, and photogenic.

After the 1 hour cruise, we played pingpong, billiards, and even though it was raining hard, we swam in the pool/s.

Due to a previously set appointment, Tenantz and I left after Sunday lunch, at 1PM. Our friends were still at the karaoke machine that time, belting out tunes and singing their hearts out.

Nice

 

Overall, Wonder Island was nice, a really cool company outing/family/barkada place. It had a nice view of Mt. Makiling, and Talim island in Rizal. The swimming pools are large and numerous, there were a lot of areas where people can congregrate. As Dudong said, "Pwede mag-outing sunlife dito, maraming upuan eh." There are seminar rooms, a chapel, dormitories, wooden cottages, and all the necessary equipment to hold company seminars. For 1,400 pesos, you can even go jet-skiiing if you wished. If only the waters of Laguna de Bay were cleaner (meaning if it wasn't so murky), the place would really be a sight to behold. Nevertheless, Wonder Island is a nice place. And if you read how the place came about (see the link somewhere in this post), you can see the passion with which the owner developed the place. And that passion, more than anything else, makes the place really worth visiting.

Dead Ends

Excerpt from Manuel L. Quezon III's column The Long View, published on page A15 of the August 9, 2004 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

---oooOOooo---
When you see the many middle-class villages in Metro Manila, what seems to me the most striking about them is how the homes in them represent a dead end. These villages and the homes in them were built by the generation of Filipino professionals who worked from the 1950s to the 1970s, and who, by their own hard work, were able to secure every family's dream: a home, some land, education for the children and retirement benefits after decades of working for a firm. The success of these generations may be measured by their ability to keep their children afloat, the kids born in the 1960s to the 1970s up to the early 1980s, who, even if they try their hardest, can never build the sort of life their parents did.

The perennial complaint of people my age is that it is virtually impossible on a salary to buy a car, get a mortgage to buy an apartment or a small house, and generally achieve the things their parents did. Increasingly those who can, juggle jobs to increase their paychecks.
---oooOOooo---

This just struck me because it was so true. One of my dreams is to own a condo unit, but that is something I cannot comfortably buy. Am I a failure then? I live a comfortable life, but only because I live with my parents in a house they bought almost 30 years ago. I drive a car, but it is my parent's car, bought with money they made. Unless I don't eat and don't spend a cent on anything else, i cannot possibly buy a car or a house.

Do I have to work two jobs then, just to fulfill that dream? Work harder? Be smarter? Work abroad? Migrate? Leave? Or is entrepreneurship the answer?

*full column can be read at the Philippine Daily Inquirer's website: http://beta.inq7.net/opinion/index.php?index=2&story_id=3175&col=111

what he doesn't know

"I'm dying...dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again....
Dying...dying to live without you..."

What he doesn't know is i want him to make an effort. I want him to give me flowers. I want him to go out of his way, get down on his knees and give me flowers. Or a token gift. I don't know. Just something to really show me he loves me, and not the everyday practical stuff that we're used to. I guess something to sweep me off my feet.

"I'm dying, dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm dying, dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm dying to live without you again"

I think, if I just allow things to get back to normal this time, I will always be searching for the special effort, that special push from him. Perhaps, this is my downfall. Perhaps, this is my idealistic romanticism rearing its ugly head. How many times must I learn that fairy tales don't happen to normal people like me? But I want this, I also deserve this. I want to be swept off my feet every now and then. I want to be courted, gifted, surprised, enchanted. I want to feel beautiful and loved, and I want him to show me that I am loved and beautiful.

"It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath....
I'm dying and I can't live without you again..."

This may be "girly" ramblings. I don't know. How much effort is enough anyway? But the fact that I'm asking that question...perhaps that just means I don't feel appreciated anymore.

If love is give and take, how much should we give before asking ourselves, how come the other side isn't allowing us to take more?

"I'm dying and I can't live without you again."*

*correct lyrics of "Dying", song by Five For Fighting, can be seen here.

Dumbing Down -- Scattered thoughts and broken vows

Today, I guess, is overall, a good day.

It started out with a scream of frustration, since the PLDT repair guy was again coming to our house and ruining my plans of going to work early. But the flip side of that is, my PLDT DSL connection finally got fixed. After much tinkering on his end, he finally thought of changing the cables and the section where I was getting my DSL connection, and now everything's all right again. :) I guess there was something faulty in how they connected my DSL connection, but hey, since it's working now, I'm not complaining.

I feel sick, like I'm coming down with something. And it's almost 5AM, and still I'm awake. How's that for insomnia?

Reminds me of my Saturday night at Tagaytay...we slept at a friend's house, and I couldn't sleep. For the life of me, I really wanted to sleep, just so I could get enough rest because I knew I had to do a lot of things Sunday, but no. 4AM. Still awake. 5AM. Still awake. The sun is up. Got up 6AM to look around and see Taal. Everyone's still asleep. Try to fall asleep 6:15. Dozed off for a while. Finally! Woke up at 6:45. Everyone's awake. $^%$$$##@!

---

My friend's Friendster testimonial almost made me cry. She said, she doesn't understand how many times I have to cry before I find true happiness. And that made me real sad. Have I even found my happiness? I'm not sure. Romance-wise, I sometimes think that I get stuck with "nowhere" men. Men who are okay, in the present, right here, right now. But will they commit to a future with me? Perhaps not. I'm not sure. Do I even want to commit to a future with them? Maybe. I'm with them ain't I? But....there's a "but" there somewhere. But the beauty of our relationship is, it works, somehow.

---

You know what, it's been an awfully long day. I was about to go home around 11PM, but I wasn't able to because my boss was using my computer to troubleshoot something. I just couldn't get the nerve to tell him, hey, I need to go home right now because I still want to catch the bus home. I didn't have a car, and I was too stingy to want to take the taxi home. Well anyway, it was well past 1AM when I left the office. And yes, I took the taxi. And the taxi driver was trying to scam me into paying him more, since it was raining today and all. But I felt good since I didn't let him push me into paying more. Especially since I told him that it was all the money I had that night.

I wish of course that sometimes, someone would take care of me. So I wouldn't have to go home late, alone. So I don't even have to work my ass off. wishful thinking dear...

Another reason I wasn't able to go home at once was, a friend called me to confide about her love problems. Couldn't bear the hurt of knowing that her boyfriend might be leaving her. Nothing final yet, just the "cool-off" conversation. Well, it's good to know that she thinks I'm wise enough to run to, but hey, I'm no cupid. And, I'm basically a cynical person, plus, I'm not entirely conventional, ergo I'm not the best person to turn to since my views might result in even more estrangement and failed romances. Look at me! haha. But I guess that was what she wanted, a perspective different from her own. Maybe. I love my friend, and of course I'll support her, but it does feel weird to tell this friend particularly, that there is love after heartbreak. Because I want her to believe in the myth of forever, in the myth of the first love, in the myth of the forever love. No one should experience that disappointment in love.

I took this quiz at http://www.okcupid.com/oktest, and though other people say the quiz accurately described them, I don't entirely agree. I protest! Haha....or perhaps I just don't really know myself enough. I can't see myself accurately? Here is how it rated me, tell me what you think:

---

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

---

I don't know about the "selective" and "lack of bonafide experience" part, but that last quote, that is so true for me. And that is so something that I am so sad to admit to. Because that single quote captures all the cynicism I have. In the end, we are alone.

PLDT Sucks

Letter sent to PLDT DSL Customer Service Inquiry forum :

Hi,

I really need to complain to you about the speed with which my pldt connection accesses the internet. I have subscribed to a PLDT Professional DSL connection, which costs 2,500 a month. But I am entirely unable to use this DSL connection for anything. After 12 midnight, the connection speed is typically very very very very slow. It would be a miracle to be able to open up a webpage for surfing. Unfortunately, this is no exaggeration. It is always "page cannot be found".

Usually, day times are better. I can actually surf. But this afternoon, while aspiring to use my PLDT DSL connection to connect to work, I can't. Google takes a long time to load, yahoo mail needs several retries to load. Because of this, instead of working at home, I had to rush and endure traffic to go to the office to work. This had been a major inconvenience, and the bad thing about this is, I am paying YOUR COMPANY 2500 pesos for ME to be inconvenienced.

Please send a technician over to see what the problem is. Your level of service is entirely unacceptable. I have complained before by phone or through this inquiry form, to no avail. If I need to send an email to you everyday to get attention, I will. Hopefully this "lag" in service will be resolved by next month.

Thank you.

---

P.S. -- would it be possible for me to sue them? I'm really pissed off. Good thing the company reimburses me for DSL.

Dead Ducks

---

I am smellin' like the rose
that somebody gave me
'cause I'm dead & bloated
-- Stone Temple Pilots song

---

In a way, I am dead. So many things to do and yet, did I do anything? Did I even enjoy myself while I was not doing anything?

Let's see, this weekend, I managed to watch Imelda (a good film) by myself, had coffee and drinks and lunch and dessert and dinner with friends. I had a good night's sleep. Except for tonight of course, since I'm worried sick. All throughout this weekend, one thought keeps rushing through my brain. I'm a dead duck.

---

To be a success, you must be like a duck. On the surface be calm and serene, but underneath, paddle like hell.

---

I like that quote. And well, as cliches go, hope springs eternal. So if it's not yet the end, it's not. And ... I'm actually bigger and better than any so-called accomplishments and criterion. Or so I wish. As I said, hope springs eternal.

Discarded Dreams

After 27 years of living, dreams have been borne and killed along the way. Somehow, does it all even matter? I guess you could say I'm having an existential crisis.

In order to survive, in order to be sane, somehow I have had to readjust goals and readjust my definition of who I am and what I really want. Somewhere along the way, I must have lost myself a million times, and maybe who I find after may not be who I started with at first.

Does it even matter? If I lose my grip, without inconveniencing anyone else, will it even matter?

---

It's all right if you just want to be alone

It's all right if you just want to stay at home

I understand...I understand...I understand....

-- some obscure song whose lyrics I probably mangled

---

laptop snatcher from hell

Can I swear/curse?

I want to curse that greedy guy/girl/neanderthal who stole my freaking laptop. Instead of me luxuriating in the speed of a brand new HP NC6000 model, I have to contend with this Compaq Armada M300, circa 1990s. Its battery/reserve power doesn't work, so switching locations is a fucking pain in the ass. I have to reboot and restart, and it's not as if this baby can boot up without problems! Sometimes it hangs when shutting down. Sometimes it hangs when booting up. Sometimes it boots up the wrong way, sort of like waking up on the wrong side of the bed. When that happens, it simply doesn't want to open documents, and everything hangs. And you have to reboot. But it hangs first. So you do a hard reboot. And before you know it, an hour has already passed. And you're not even doing anything yet.

Why can't that stupid robber just get someone else's laptop? Someone whose existing laptop has a working battery! Urgh. And so instead of the laptop, I request for a replacement battery instead. Did you know that the battery cell for a Compaq Armada M300 costs more than 11,000 pesos? That's way too expensive for an overworked and overextended old model. But anyway, since I haven't worked up the courage to ask for a new laptop (again), that request will have to do. So far I don't know what the status is.

So anyway, why did I lose that fucking laptop anyway? Who the fuck stole that laptop? Did he/she need that to feed his/her starving family? Was someone's life saved because of the money gained in selling a stolen laptop? I'll never, will I? But sometimes I wish I knew. Just so I'll know if the tradeoff was good enough. If all this frustration I'm experiencing right now over a very slow PC is worth it.

P.S. -- as a backgrounder, one mysterious weekend, the laptop that the company assigned to me to replace the second-hand (or third-hand) laptop I'm using was stolen. I left it on my desk, box and all, one Friday night. Monday morning, it was gone, box and all. Investigation showed nothing. Well, at the most, investigation established the laptop was there Friday night, it was there right before 6AM Saturday morning, and it was gone after 6:30 AM Saturday morning. Of course, no culprit was caught.  

The reason why I'm hesitant to ask for another laptop is, one of the higher ups sort of blamed me for leaving the laptop on my office desk. Well, I sort of got used to an office environment where PCs don't get stolen. I left it inside the office, on my desk, but not inside a locked cabinet, which they say is my fault. So I'm hesitant, in case they remember to blame me again for the loss.

No hard feelings

come on try a little,

nothing is forever

there's got to be something better than in the middle...

 

But me and Cinderella,

We put it all together

We can drive it home

With one headlight...

 

-- The Wallflowers, One Headlight

 
 
Sometimes, the end starts inconspicuously enough.
 
And then you don't care anymore.
 
And next time you know, whatever it is isn't there anymore. And there's nothing you can do to hold on, nothing you can say to make things better, and it doesn't really matter if you care or not anymore. The end will have begun, and only a miracle can stop something like that.

yahoo....

Yahoo! :)

I got a good review today regarding my review on Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coehlo's book. Now, if only I could put all that enthusiasm and energy on my thesis and my work. Now that would be something. haha.

I should sleep now. Maybe I should sleep now, and just get the ball rolling tomorrow. Remember, a rolling ball gathers no moss. Sorry, that was very cheap but I had to say it.

So...gotta go sleep so I can do tomorrow what I've always been meaning to do the whole week -- that is, work, and my thesis. I can do it (just a little self-motivation here).

Yahoo. :(

Deep Inside of You

Third Eye Blind

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you
These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems

A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you
Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do

If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me

I breathe by your looks and you look right through me
But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go nowhere

I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you
And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone

Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

Black Coffee Ramblings

I love coffee. Black, aromatic, swirling hot coffee. I also like cold coffee -- ice cold with an almost mocha-like coffee taste. But on second thought, I think "love" is too strong a word. Some people really love coffee, and I bow to their much stronger passion. So I guess I just "like" coffee.

So, I like black coffee. No sugar. No cream. No anything. Just freshly brewed coffee. I started liking black coffee when I started attending seminars in hotels and they served you freshly brewed coffee but you had to mix your own sugar and cream. And well, I was all for expedient measures. So I just skipped the sugar and cream.

Before that, I took 3 teaspoons of instant coffee with two sugars and two cream. I like my coffee strong, none of that diluted-with-too-much-sugar-and-cream taste for me. Now, thank God there's an instant coffee vending machine in the office. I take it black, thank you.

And I took too much today.

---

"So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with takin the backstreets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow"
-- All Star, smashmouth

---

And I have so many things to do but not really the will or the focus to do them. I mean, for one brief moment I'm motivated. And then...I procrastinate. I mean, this thesis stuff isn't really that important to me, otherwise I would have been finished with it. But it seems it's not really on my list of priorities, brain-wise or heart-wise. The degree doesn't seem to hold much weight for me right now. For some reason, perhaps because I can see that sometimes that degree doesn't really matter in the real world. If I was on my deathbed tomorrow I don't think I would regret not getting that master's degree. But...but the fact remains that the thing is so close and so near and so within reach, that it really is such a crying shame if I let go of it. And this "worry" thing over the whole issue, and this "insecurity" thing of others finishing it before I do, is such a heavy weight on my shoulders. It puts a damper to my mood, but obviously only for a little while each day. Otherwise I would have finished the damn thing. But still. It's almost a freaking year and it really is TIRING to be thinking about it that long. And know that it really doesn't matter to you but you have to finish it anyways because it's a crying shame. And I don't know how to metaphorically visualize it for you. It's like carrying a heavy weight and not really using the thing you're carrying. You're just carrying it because...someday you might use it. I don't know.

Okay, that is one hell of a long paragraph. And this caffeine rush is still pushing me on. So in the meantime, let me try working on all the things I *need* to do.

So long.