Team Joey

http://www.pbase.com/xieurx/tnf&page=all

Friday afternoon, Beng texted me to ask: "Pwede ka ba mag-support group sa North Face Challenge?"

It was an adventure challenge race sponsored by North Face (duh), partly to launch their first official store in the Philippines, soon to open at the Shangrila Mall at Crossing. From Timberland Heights in San Mateo, Rizal, the participants were supposed to bike, then trek through the mountains to go to Wawa, Montalban; do a Tyrolean traverse across Wawa Dam; bike through the rivers and muddy slopes of Montalban, rappel, boulder-climb, then run all the way from SSS Village in Marikina to Libis, Quezon City. Whew. What a tiring activity! I was only part of the support group, so we mainly just waited for the participants to reach certain points so we can assist them, but it was really tiring. The hot noonday sun shone bright at Wawa Dam, and just going back and forth between the parking area and the dam area itself made me feel I was part of the race. The heat, the sweat, the sun. Ah, what more for the participants of the actual race? May karapatan pa ba akong magreklamo na umitim ako, eh mas lalo na kaya yung mga participants dun sa race!

In any case, even with all the scratches and injuries and hardships endured, no doubt the participants would want to do it again next year. Ganyan naman pag adventure racing, pag mountain climbing, pag scuba diving. Pag naumpisahan mo na, katawan mo na lang ang bibigay, pero hindi ang puso mo.

twisted

This is a sell-out. Writing song lyrics to pretend that I have some deep emotion that I can't express otherwise in my own heartfelt words. Perhaps because there are no heartfelt words. Or perhaps there are no words. Or no heartfelt emotion deep enough to stir something out of my dazed brain. In any case, I struggle along. Just like everybody else. Going by on too little sleep, too much food, and too little exercise. Trying to second-guess fate and love and destiny and my customers at work. Okay, that was too deep. I am not trying to second-guess destiny and love and fate. I don't even know what's in store for me.

Finally, things are moving a bit more smoothly at work. I'm still an insomniac. Hello, I'm writing a blog at 2AM when I have to be up by 5AM today. But then, isn't the search for the meaning of life a deeper purpose than trying to get some sleep? Ah, the wonders of twisted logic.

Song lyrics swirl in my head. I wish I was someplace else, but I am here. Right now. Right here. And there are so many things to do here. So many things to see, so many places to go to, so many friends to spend time with. And so little time. And so little resources. So what do I do? I end up writing a blog at 2AM in the morning. So many things that can be done, and I wonder, have I let life just whizz by me? Am I giving up part of who I am, to accommodate how some other person sees me? And by limiting who I am to spend it with someone else, am I not also limiting his options and locking him up in some relationship prison? And I wonder...and I second-guess. They say you gotta play your cards just right, and sometimes I just want to be like a wet dog who just gets out of the damn water and shakes its fur and walks away.

Ah...the wonders of twisted analogies.

a song for the broken hearted

I don't know why I'm into song lyrics now. Anyway, while I was riding home in a taxi, I heard this song on the radio, and it just reminded me of the times when I was broken hearted and I couldn't even bear to hear this song...mainly because the lyrics were playing in my head and punching me where it hurts the most.

Anyway, those times are over, or so I think. :) So this song is dedicated to those who've gone through heartbreak and back. And back again.

So far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
How I wish I could, but you're so far away

One more song about movin' along the highway
Can't say much of anything that's new
If I could only work this life out my way
I'd rather spend it bein' close to you.

But you're so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're so far away

Oh, so far away
Travelin' around sure gets me down and lonely
Nothin' else to do but close my mind
I sure hope the road don't come to own me
There's so many dreams I've yet to find

But you're so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
And it doesn't help to know you're so far away

- Carole King, "So Far Away"

Buti na lang nandyan ka

Ako'y isang malungkot na bata
Palakad-lakad lang
Wala rin namang mapupuntahan
At madalas, madulas, at nung parang ayoko na

Buti na lang nandyan ka...buti na lang nandyan ka...sinta!!
Pano na lang ako kung wala ka, sinta?
Pano na lang ako?

Minsan ako'y naligaw ng daan
Tinalikuran ng kaibigan at biglang napag iwanan
At madalas, ako'y madulas, at nung parang ayoko na

Buti na lang nandyan ka...

*song by e-heads sound-alike, sugarfree -- "sinta"

just dreaming

Today, I glimpsed my future condo.

Well, not really. Because first of all, it wasn't really a condo, it was a residential hotel in the middle of Makati. One of those hotel-type apartments that cater to foreign business people assigned to Makati. It wasn't mine, because a company rented the room for the entire month for one of its expat professionals. The expat left early, before the end of the month, which was why BF and a few others were allowed to sleep and basically crash the place.

It was spacious, with a bed wide enough for three people, a kitchen, a sala, a dining area complete with a round dining table, a TV, DVD/VCD players, very soft sofa seats, and a striking view of Makati and the Roxas Blvd coastline (it was on the 19th floor). It was like a demo-unit of a dream one-bedroom condo unit. Perfect for parties and friendly get-togethers, or just for relaxing and chilling out. Kulang na lang ay wide-screen flat TV, and solve na ako.

I liked it. A lot.

Top Ten Words for the day

Earthquake
Ponti
Shakers
Arctic Melon
Open Bar
Amazing Race
Supply Plan Web Entry
Flickering Monitors
Snacku
Puyatan

paying the price

I am paying the price for losing a laptop.

My laptop's screen is flickering, sometimes blanking out to a pure white background. It is frustrating when I am trying to finish up some work and I can't see a damn thing. Sometimes I make do with the flickering and the jumping up and down of the screen. It's like watching a TV screen trying to catch a channel signal. It is annoying and irritating as hell.

Patience is a virtue, they say. So I try to be patient. I try to remove and re-install the video driver everytime my laptop screen acts up, but this is more of a hardware error more than anything else.

Right now I am making do by attaching my laptop to a monitor. Ideally, they should give me a new laptop. This one is old, second-hand (or maybe even third-hand), and acts up a lot. But some clever thief got away with my laptop and I am paying the price. They may not have deducted it from my salary, but definitely it is taking its toll on my patience, my thoughts on how my employer perceives my value, and it is taking its toll on the quality of my work.

Then everybody loses.

what didn't happen (don't take it seriously)

Today, I didn't get to watch Dodgeball, a True Underdog story. Emotions run high, and low. Very low. All past transgressions relived and remembered. Men are scum, and men will leave you at the slightest inconvenience. Irrational thoughts, yes. Emotional thoughts, definitely.

I cry like I haven't cried in a long time. With emotion, with heartache, with resignation.

So I stay home, postpone work, and get to watch AutoFocus: The Bob Crane story on cable instead. I stay for the next movie, Vin Diesel's cocky Xander Cage and Samuel L. Jackson's Augustus Gibbons in Triple XXX, the movie. Quite ironic. Bob Crane was really into porn, and the next movie they show after his biography is Triple XXX?

So the question is, why? I try to be good. I try to be a sport about it. I get stuck in traffic for 3 hours. I try to make nothing of it. I haven't slept well since Wednesday, go on an 8-hour hike up a mountain, get really tired going down the mountain, fall flat on my face, get my head bonked on overhanging trees, have body aches all over, slam my face on the restroom door, and still I'm not rich enough or good enough to buy my own car and condo and live in a terror-free and economically successful society.

Xander Cage says, "I live for this shit." Maybe, the shit lives for me.

http://www.pbase.com/xieurx/mt_binangonan&page=all

running deep

Still waters run deep, so they say. So this time, I am trying to be still. Or rather, trying to be silent. Doesn't silence equal stillness?

I have been silent in this blog for the past week. I've been making progress in my work project, although my work is still delayed and I'm still cramming to catch up. I'm not just fighting against my own laziness, I am also fighting against my laptop's tendency to hang, to flicker, and to show me a blank white screen at inappropriate times. There's something wrong with my video display driver...although I think I'm getting my boss's old laptop (since he's getting a new one). Oh, the wonders of hand-me-downs.

So anyway, in the relative silence of the past week, here are some realizations I have had:

• "Integrity" -- integrity is keeping one's word, but integrity does not just refer to how you keep your word with others. It also involves keeping your word to yourself. If you tell yourself that you're going to do something, and you end up not doing it, you have no integrity. You don't respect yourself enough to keep your own promises.
  
  I learned this while attending the Effective Communications seminar we had earlier in the week. The whole seminar was not really worth it, everything they taught was a summary of what we learned during college Comm1-3. But the definition of integrity was one of the things that struck me (during the times when I was actually listening). I really needed to keep my own word. And do the things I said I'd do.
  
  
• "Positive thinking" -- realization while browsing through the self-help books at Powerbooks. Yes, you actually have to visualize accomplishing your task, and reaching your goals. It all starts in your mind. If you can't visualize it, it can't happen.
  
  
• "Tempus fugit" -- Time flies. It's Sunday again. Isn't it amazing? Plus, I've been browsing through my old notebooks earlier (looking for a scratch paper to use), and it turns out it has been exactly one year since I enrolled for IS2 (Thesis Defense) for my Master's degree. Time really flies; one year later, I still haven't done anything. BUT...I will do something about that. Sometime later, when I'm not so busy and not so trying to kill myself with worry and work.
  
  
• "Work Out" -- We're going to climb again next week. I'm totally out of shape, haven't gone to the gym for more than a month now. Well, I'd have to start this week then. Since they say the climb is difficult, lots of river-crossings and 90-degree climbs.
  
  I do remember the first time I climbed a mountain. I was hungover from a gimik the night before. Too much booze and smoking, so while I was climbing up this mountain, my head was aching, I was sweating like a pig, and I was running out of breathe. And that folks, is not something I'd like to feel again.
  

Okay, my laptop's screen is starting to flicker again. I gotta go. Ciao.