Raining on My Parade

The days are slipping by in a blur.

I'm afraid I won't get to do everything that needs to be done. Too many things on the plate. I want to go on vacation. Stop time and just take a few days off. And then, go back, take a few more days off to arrange all the stuff that needs to be arranged here at home. Then, take more days off to work on the work stuff that needs to get done.

But I can't go on vacation. First of all, I have no time to go on vacation. Secondly, I have no money to go on vacation. Shucks, money is just slipping through my fingers. So many things that we need to spend on. The years I've spent earning, and in just one poof, it can all be spent.

Damn it, I'm tired. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Was sick earlier last week, got well again, but I got rained on yesterday while playing frisbee, so here I am, sneezing my heart out again.

Arg. Well, on a side note, even if I don't have a Starbucks planner, I just received a Gonuts Donuts 2006 planner from my neighbor. :) So, there are things we should be thankful for.

The Abaca Bracelet

White bands, move over. There's another emerging campaign aiming to uplift the Pinoy's outlook. It's the Yabang Pinoy movement, and it proposes the use of the resilient and tough abaca band to constantly remind us how we as a people are tough, resilient and exceptional.

"Yabang Pinoy" is a campaign to raise awareness and heighten Filipino people's ethos, dignity and pride by advocating the use of a piece of braided abaca band that aims to make a statement. The abaca band aims to signify a Filipino being truly proud to be one. Know more about the Yabang Pinoy campaign here.

*** Get your own abaca bracelet. Contact Pat at 0917-5277141.

Grrr

Grrrr.

Another night gone by. Another day that will just slip away. Another day where I can't be truly there. And then again another night where I cannot rest. What the heck am I doing anyway. I can never please everybody.

Once again I grieve. And once again, I kill myself. Over and over and over again.

Thoughts From Where the Tree Fell: the Saga of the Runaway Bride

Much as I would like everyone to like me and the decisions I make in life, I can't.

Of course it makes me sad. Much as this is my life, and my life only, the world of course is not just about me.

I do wish sometimes that this can be some sort of fairy tale, where everyone lives happily ever after and there's this big, grand joyous celebration at the end of the tale. But really, there are no such things as fairy tales.

The ironic thing is, why are weddings lonely times? Isn't this supposed to be a joyous occasion? If I were a princess, should not the whole kingdom rejoice and celebrate in merriment? Put it this way -- my opinion is, the whole marriage ceremony as we Filipinos celebrate it, is something being done for the enjoyment of the guests. It's to thank them for being part of our lives, and to let them know that we wish them to be part of our future lives as husband and wife. So if the guests don't really care or are not really happy for us, then why the hell are we holding this wedding celebration anyway? Might as well just invite a few close family and friends. And just them. No one else.

Frankly, at this point, I feel really alone. My mother has told me not to come back home after the wedding. Of course, this sounds harsher than it really means. She just meant, that since I'll be building a new home, that's where I should be. But still of course that statement bothered me a bit. Some of my friends are really distant these days too. One of my bridesmaids is not really speaking to me, for some reason that's not really too clear with me. More than a few people have told me in no uncertain terms that they do not agree with my decision, that I could do better, that I deserve someone better. Better in what sense? What can define "better" anyway? Someone richer? Someone more handsome? But she was the one who told me not to go out with this other person before. "Anyone but him," she said. And I listened. I listened and I did just that. And now, I'm still listening too. It's just that I decided differently in the end.

I would like to think that my decision was made, because it was based on love, because it was based on trust, and because it was based on faith. It is based on honesty, on a truthful look into who I am, who he is, and what really matters most. Yes, issues about financial security did make me think hard. But money does not make a person happy, though it might help a lot. And who knew what the future may bring in anyway? My father has told me that the one criteria I should look for in a man is industry -- he has to be persevering and hard working. Silver spoons in the mouth are just that -- silver spoons that stay in the mouth and become a liability. A man is who he makes himself to be. He is made, not born. And character cannot be judged by social standing or the lack thereof.

Of course I appreciate all my friends thoughts. It's better than them talking behind my back, but then again since these days they don't talk to me, that's probably what they're doing anyway.

Ok, maybe this post is harsher than it should be. After all, one of my childhood best friends has told me, that although she has some issues with me, she will support me and will be there for me if I need her.

But I need her now. I need all of my friends. Now.

Sa totoo lang, pagod na ako sa kakaisip. Pagod na ako sa paghahanda para sa kasal na ito. But then maybe this is just one of those days. And maybe, I should accept the fact that things really do change. And that sometimes, to move on, you have to say goodbye to some things.

But I don't want to say goodbye yet. And I don't want to lose my friends either.

"Cinderella and Prince Charming? In my parents' love story, there never was a glass slipper, pumpkin coach or fairy godmother. There were no castles or dancing mice. My parents made their own magic.

They still do."

From An Old-Fashioned Love Story, by Lorri Benedik
February 2006 Reader's Digest Asia

We make our own magic. We make our own fairy tales.

And Not So Happy Ones

Here goes.

One statement:
I no longer believe.

Do you?


The longer statement:
What if you no longer believe in the body that consecrates the sacrament of marriage?

I think...I don't feel good. Too many events that have weighed down my soul. Well, not really "too many". But...each has just destroyed my hope and made me wonder, maybe, I really cannot change anything. Maybe it is foolishness to believe in hope, that there is a bright tomorrow, that there will always be sunshine and happiness. Stupid really. The good that you see sometimes? That's seeing the trees for the forest, and once you look at the whole picture, it really isn't such a nice place after all.

Well, excuse me if I sound all cynical and all. Writing is a therapy for me, and since I cannot really rant all of this to an actual person, here I am. The essence of the blog. Rants and raves and what-nots.

I no longer believe. And now, I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror. Because I might not like what I will see.



The Effect Of Not Taking Everything With A Grain of Salt

When writing, I have a tendency to overdramatize. So if you are sensitive to any of that, STOP READING THIS. Now. And I mean it.

Today, I submitted the marriage banns to my "home" church, my so-called parish. With a depressed sigh, I can only say, what do you expect.

First of all, I don't even go to church in that parish. Reason is, there's another church that's nearer, just a few blocks away. I, however, live on the border of Manila and Quezon City. The church I normally go to lies in Quezon City. Meanwhile, I actually live in Manila (though if you cross the street, it's Quezon City already). So I had to submit the marriage banns to my actual parish, this Church in Sta. Mesa, Manila.

Just a few minutes. It didn't even dawn on me during that time what the impact of those few minutes will be. Just a few minutes, and hours later, here I am, writing this blog entry, declaring for all the world and all the people who care to read this (and who for sure will disagree), that I no longer believe.

I no longer believe...in the sanctity of the Catholic Church.

I no longer believe...in the holy catholic church (and my father will kill me for this).

Actually, this post was supposed to start out this way: "I find it hard to believe..."

With the Ehead's song running through my mind, I wrote:

• I find it hard to believe...
  in the Catholic Church, especially when the people who man the offices overcharge hapless ignorant people who look to the church for guidance


• I find it hard to believe...
  in a Church that tolerates priests who say that contraception is equal to abortion, that every single sperm cell has a soul, and if it doesn't meet the female's egg, it is tantamount to murder


• I find it hard to believe...
  in a Church that has the priest sermon on the first day of the new year that the greatest sin of all is, (no, it's not to hate), but to use birth control pills... because by that act alone every single baby on earth that wasn't born had been killed...by YOU.

So maybe I should extend my hate spree and rant on the government as well? But no, I digress.

So right after writing that, I read my email, and found a forwarded message from this yahoogroup of a spiritual recollection I attended earlier. No doubt the person who forwarded the email was a conservative catholic. He forwarded Jaime Lichaoco's column that discussed our Catholic society's aversion to sex and our twisted moral judgement as a people. ("Pinoy Remain Immature in Sexual Matters") We would rather kill someone than be caught with our pants down. Between a picture of two men killing each other, and a picture of a naked couple kissing, we would raise our voices and declare the naked kissing couple as indecent and vulgar. All because of our twisted view on morality and sexuality. Lichaoco ends his column thus:

"The more we suppress and censor natural and healthy expressions of sexuality, the more we arouse the public's curiosity. Once curiosity is satisfied, it is gone. A person who has had a full meal and is no longer hungry will not want to eat again. Hopefully we will mature enough to regard the naked human body as a beautiful creation of God, and without malice".

And this guy forwards this column, not to enlighten the others, but to comment that Lichaoco is contradicting himself with that statement. "And what if the fullness goes back to hunger after a few hours?," he argues. "And some people even have an eating disorder (me included ). So I guess call me immature :)".

And he has the gall to end that quote with a smiley??? But then again, we are a nation with a twisted sense of humour.

Sex without the purpose of procreation is evil, the church dictates. See this article from catholic.com. "The Church has always maintained the historic Christian teaching that deliberate acts of contraception are always gravely sinful, which means that it is mortally sinful if done with full knowledge and deliberate consent (CCC 1857). This teaching cannot be changed and has been taught by the Church infallibly".

But I digress again. That's not really my beef. My actual beef is the church of sta. mesa charging me 1,300 pesos for them to post the marriage banns for 3 consecutive Sundays. 1,300 Pesos. When there are other people from other parishes who pay just 200, 120 or even less!

Maybe I'm just ranting because I felt that this guy, who represented the church because he was working at the church, was taking me for a fool. A rich fool. He even explained that the reason why it was that expensive was because I was a woman. Basta, istupido lahat ng dahilan. Ipapaskel lang nila yung pangalan namin sa simbahan, ganun ba kamahal ang thumb tacks at scotch tape???

"WHAT?!", sabi ko sa mama. "Si xxx nga, 500 pesos lang ang binayaran sa Montalban." (E yun pala mahal din pala ang 500. Malay ko ba. Hindi naman ako madalas magpakasal no.)

"Ah, iba kasi ang singil pag babae."

"What???!"

And he raises up the marriage banns, 2 papers stapled together. He points to the first page.

"Ito kasi, 300 pesos."

As far as I recall, that paper just contains our names and addresses, and that we are marrying on that date. All that paper asks is that the church post this information for 3 consecutive Sundays in the bride and groom's parishes. So...ano ito, 100 per Sunday?

Then he points to the second page. "Ito, 1000 pesos." That one is the permission to marry form. Basically the parish notifying the other parish that they are "releasing" the parishioner (me) to accept the sacrament of marriage in the other church.

I'm not theirs to release in the first place.

And then this guy even brings up the church where we chose to be married. "Hindi ba mahal dyan? 15,000 dyan diba?"

"Hindi," sabi ko. (It's not)

"Normally eh 30% ng binayaran nyo sa Carmel eh dapat na binabayad sa parish."

Aba, dapat pa pala ako magpasalamat ng 1300 lang ang singil sa akin.

Well, hindi naman ako galit kanina. Kasi tinanggap ko din ang sinabi nya. Pero nung malaman ko kung paano ang singil sa ibang tao...aba, e gago pala yung taong yun. So ngayon, hindi ko na alam. Ako ba yung masama, dahil 1000 pesos lang eh pinagkakait ko pa sa simbahan? Yung mama ba yung mali, kasi maaaring niloloko lang nya ako dahil mukha akong madiling lokohin? Or yung simbahan ba ang mali, dahil napakamahal ng singil nila at pinapabayaan nila ang ganitong mga pangyayari?

Sabi ni B, pag nagalit daw ako sa isang bagay eh tuloy tuloy na, damay damay na ang ibang bagay. So heto ako ngayon. Dahil sa 1300 pesos eh hindi na ako naniniwala sa simbahan. Dahil sa 1300 pesos eh isinulat ko na ang matindi kong di pagsang-ayon sa patakaran ng simbahan tungkol sa contraception at seksualidad. Hindi na baleng mamatay tayo sa gutom, hindi na bale kung di na tayo maka-ahon sa kahirapan, basta marami tayong anak, wala tayong kasalanan sa diyos.

Pero to each his own na nga. Take everything with a grain of salt. Know that your rants and angsts will do nothing to upset the order of the universe.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
-- Desiderata

And so the world turns.

Happy Days

Visit My Fotopic for more pictures, or you can also visit Jadeshot's new Fotopic gallery!

Ayuthaya

Ayuthaya was the capital of Thailand (Siam) from 1357 to 1767, when the Burmese Army finally managed to invade Ayuthaya, in the process destroying most of the temples and beheading Buddhas along the way.

In its heyday, Ayuthaya was the golden city, the stuff of lore where foreigners where impressed with its splendor and where the golden temples gleamed in the sun, blinding visitors and signifying the magnificence of the Thai capital.

Ayuthaya is located about 90 kilometers from Bangkok, around 2 hours drive, and could be visited on an extended daytrip. In our case, it was a very quick afternoon trip. But it was worth it.

Jim Morrison

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

- Jim Morrison, 1943-1971