And Not So Happy Ones

Here goes.

One statement:
I no longer believe.

Do you?


The longer statement:
What if you no longer believe in the body that consecrates the sacrament of marriage?

I think...I don't feel good. Too many events that have weighed down my soul. Well, not really "too many". But...each has just destroyed my hope and made me wonder, maybe, I really cannot change anything. Maybe it is foolishness to believe in hope, that there is a bright tomorrow, that there will always be sunshine and happiness. Stupid really. The good that you see sometimes? That's seeing the trees for the forest, and once you look at the whole picture, it really isn't such a nice place after all.

Well, excuse me if I sound all cynical and all. Writing is a therapy for me, and since I cannot really rant all of this to an actual person, here I am. The essence of the blog. Rants and raves and what-nots.

I no longer believe. And now, I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror. Because I might not like what I will see.



The Effect Of Not Taking Everything With A Grain of Salt

When writing, I have a tendency to overdramatize. So if you are sensitive to any of that, STOP READING THIS. Now. And I mean it.

Today, I submitted the marriage banns to my "home" church, my so-called parish. With a depressed sigh, I can only say, what do you expect.

First of all, I don't even go to church in that parish. Reason is, there's another church that's nearer, just a few blocks away. I, however, live on the border of Manila and Quezon City. The church I normally go to lies in Quezon City. Meanwhile, I actually live in Manila (though if you cross the street, it's Quezon City already). So I had to submit the marriage banns to my actual parish, this Church in Sta. Mesa, Manila.

Just a few minutes. It didn't even dawn on me during that time what the impact of those few minutes will be. Just a few minutes, and hours later, here I am, writing this blog entry, declaring for all the world and all the people who care to read this (and who for sure will disagree), that I no longer believe.

I no longer believe...in the sanctity of the Catholic Church.

I no longer believe...in the holy catholic church (and my father will kill me for this).

Actually, this post was supposed to start out this way: "I find it hard to believe..."

With the Ehead's song running through my mind, I wrote:

• I find it hard to believe...
  in the Catholic Church, especially when the people who man the offices overcharge hapless ignorant people who look to the church for guidance


• I find it hard to believe...
  in a Church that tolerates priests who say that contraception is equal to abortion, that every single sperm cell has a soul, and if it doesn't meet the female's egg, it is tantamount to murder


• I find it hard to believe...
  in a Church that has the priest sermon on the first day of the new year that the greatest sin of all is, (no, it's not to hate), but to use birth control pills... because by that act alone every single baby on earth that wasn't born had been killed...by YOU.

So maybe I should extend my hate spree and rant on the government as well? But no, I digress.

So right after writing that, I read my email, and found a forwarded message from this yahoogroup of a spiritual recollection I attended earlier. No doubt the person who forwarded the email was a conservative catholic. He forwarded Jaime Lichaoco's column that discussed our Catholic society's aversion to sex and our twisted moral judgement as a people. ("Pinoy Remain Immature in Sexual Matters") We would rather kill someone than be caught with our pants down. Between a picture of two men killing each other, and a picture of a naked couple kissing, we would raise our voices and declare the naked kissing couple as indecent and vulgar. All because of our twisted view on morality and sexuality. Lichaoco ends his column thus:

"The more we suppress and censor natural and healthy expressions of sexuality, the more we arouse the public's curiosity. Once curiosity is satisfied, it is gone. A person who has had a full meal and is no longer hungry will not want to eat again. Hopefully we will mature enough to regard the naked human body as a beautiful creation of God, and without malice".

And this guy forwards this column, not to enlighten the others, but to comment that Lichaoco is contradicting himself with that statement. "And what if the fullness goes back to hunger after a few hours?," he argues. "And some people even have an eating disorder (me included ). So I guess call me immature :)".

And he has the gall to end that quote with a smiley??? But then again, we are a nation with a twisted sense of humour.

Sex without the purpose of procreation is evil, the church dictates. See this article from catholic.com. "The Church has always maintained the historic Christian teaching that deliberate acts of contraception are always gravely sinful, which means that it is mortally sinful if done with full knowledge and deliberate consent (CCC 1857). This teaching cannot be changed and has been taught by the Church infallibly".

But I digress again. That's not really my beef. My actual beef is the church of sta. mesa charging me 1,300 pesos for them to post the marriage banns for 3 consecutive Sundays. 1,300 Pesos. When there are other people from other parishes who pay just 200, 120 or even less!

Maybe I'm just ranting because I felt that this guy, who represented the church because he was working at the church, was taking me for a fool. A rich fool. He even explained that the reason why it was that expensive was because I was a woman. Basta, istupido lahat ng dahilan. Ipapaskel lang nila yung pangalan namin sa simbahan, ganun ba kamahal ang thumb tacks at scotch tape???

"WHAT?!", sabi ko sa mama. "Si xxx nga, 500 pesos lang ang binayaran sa Montalban." (E yun pala mahal din pala ang 500. Malay ko ba. Hindi naman ako madalas magpakasal no.)

"Ah, iba kasi ang singil pag babae."

"What???!"

And he raises up the marriage banns, 2 papers stapled together. He points to the first page.

"Ito kasi, 300 pesos."

As far as I recall, that paper just contains our names and addresses, and that we are marrying on that date. All that paper asks is that the church post this information for 3 consecutive Sundays in the bride and groom's parishes. So...ano ito, 100 per Sunday?

Then he points to the second page. "Ito, 1000 pesos." That one is the permission to marry form. Basically the parish notifying the other parish that they are "releasing" the parishioner (me) to accept the sacrament of marriage in the other church.

I'm not theirs to release in the first place.

And then this guy even brings up the church where we chose to be married. "Hindi ba mahal dyan? 15,000 dyan diba?"

"Hindi," sabi ko. (It's not)

"Normally eh 30% ng binayaran nyo sa Carmel eh dapat na binabayad sa parish."

Aba, dapat pa pala ako magpasalamat ng 1300 lang ang singil sa akin.

Well, hindi naman ako galit kanina. Kasi tinanggap ko din ang sinabi nya. Pero nung malaman ko kung paano ang singil sa ibang tao...aba, e gago pala yung taong yun. So ngayon, hindi ko na alam. Ako ba yung masama, dahil 1000 pesos lang eh pinagkakait ko pa sa simbahan? Yung mama ba yung mali, kasi maaaring niloloko lang nya ako dahil mukha akong madiling lokohin? Or yung simbahan ba ang mali, dahil napakamahal ng singil nila at pinapabayaan nila ang ganitong mga pangyayari?

Sabi ni B, pag nagalit daw ako sa isang bagay eh tuloy tuloy na, damay damay na ang ibang bagay. So heto ako ngayon. Dahil sa 1300 pesos eh hindi na ako naniniwala sa simbahan. Dahil sa 1300 pesos eh isinulat ko na ang matindi kong di pagsang-ayon sa patakaran ng simbahan tungkol sa contraception at seksualidad. Hindi na baleng mamatay tayo sa gutom, hindi na bale kung di na tayo maka-ahon sa kahirapan, basta marami tayong anak, wala tayong kasalanan sa diyos.

Pero to each his own na nga. Take everything with a grain of salt. Know that your rants and angsts will do nothing to upset the order of the universe.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
-- Desiderata

And so the world turns.