Snap Back to Reality

"snap back to reality
oohh there goes gravity..."

Happy Easter!

Uso ang isda sa lent diba? =)

Happy Easter!
photo c/o Lala, fishing pond @ Camarines Sur

Thankful

It was snowing last night. A soft drizzle. A soft flurry of wet snow, they say. Officially, it's supposed to be spring, and the most of the white snow has melted already. But because of last night's snow, the streets are white again. It's my last day in Toronto today, and I'd like to thank Trixie, Aster, Rhett, Cel, Melvin, Edison, Jones, Au, and all the other new people I've met for showing me a great time. They even took me to the Mountain Coop store again, and gave in to my curiosity about Swiss Chalet. Karaoke nights and Renz Verano will never be the same again. A million thanks, and good luck to all of us! La vie boheme...







* pictures in no particular order: Niagara at night, horror houses, big blocks of ice at the falls in the morning, Trixie's favorite: yummy strawberry chocolates!, big Canadian guy, big-waves at Lake Ontario, Enterworks Toronto, Meralco people, ice skating at Nathan Phillip center with the city hall in the background, Mamma Mia, Hooters Downtown

Niagara Falls at Night

Niagara Falls at Night. Picture from www.niagarafallslive.com.

It was a fun weekend, thanks to Trixie, and to her friends here in Toronto. I'd share more real pictures, but I can't upload them right now from my camera. Plus, Trixie took a lot of really nice pictures, so I'll wait for those. =)

More kwentos next week....


Toronto is amazing. Which makes me think, every place has its own special amazing quality. And despite the fun here, last night, I felt that I suddenly miss Manila. I miss the beach, the activities. I miss me trying to row. I miss Boracay and swimming. Two groups of friends are planning on whale watching in Donsol this Holy Week, and that's something I haven't done which I want to do someday. Some of my org-mates went bridge rappelling over the weekend, and upon seeing the pictures, I was quite envious. I guess it's a case of the grass being greener on the other side.

But I don't really want to whine. And I'm very thankful for the opportunity to be here. Right? Right. It's lunch time, and no one's inviting me out for lunch.

...burp...

Dessert crepe, with whipped cream, strawberries, banana and super extra servings of blueberry
Market-style dining @ Marche with Trixie

Quotable Quotes

I got the quotes from a quiz mentioned in a friend's blog:

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

-- Covert Bradley, fitness expert

It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.

-- Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

Pink Nalgenes

Yesterday, I saw a piece of shopping heaven.

Just a piece though. After work, I tried to catch "Mamma Mia" or some other play on Toronto's entertainment district. Unfortunately, there were no more "cheap" tickets available for that night. Since I was already on King Street that time, I tried going to the Mountain Coop store, and boy was I surprised! A big, big store with lots and lots of outdoor equipments, tents, shoes, jackets, clothes, canoes, bags, tekpaks, hydration packs, etc! It was a two-floor affair, and I was quite excited to see all the stuff that's available. (see pics here). Suddenly, I was in love with Toronto! Haha. Unfortunately, excited as I was, I also realized I couldn't afford to buy anything there! The dri-fit like clothes still would cost around 1k pesos, same as if I bought a Nike shirt in Manila. The backpacks would cost roughly the same as one made in Manila. The only thing I really could buy, should cost less than $20...which narrowed it down to nalgene bottles and dri-fit underwear. Haha.

But...there was this really cute pink flowery Nalgene bottle. I wasn't able to buy something that time, since when I got to the store, it was almost closing time, and it turns out I had to pay a $5 one-time coop membership fee before I can buy anything. Maybe I'll head back there next week... :)

P.S. -- on the way home, I passed by a Swiss Chalet restaurant, and I remembered my officemate Carla mentioning to me that it had great tasting chicken. So I entered the resto, but I was all by myself, and well, the place just didn't seem to be a good place to dine alone. There was a line waiting for seating, and everyone had friends or family with them. Parang sobrang loser pag ako lang...either that or I'm trying to pick up somebody. Haha.

CN Tower, as seen from King St. West. Ray Thomson Hall in the foreground.

St. Andrew's Church on King Street West, near the Sunlife building

Coffee Talk

Starbucks, Seattle's Best, Figaro, Coffee Tea Leaf Beanery (I always get the name wrong)...

Just some of the coffee places in Manila. In Toronto, it's Starbucks, Druxy's, Tim Horton's, Second Cup, etc...

I've always liked coffee, but I didn't really patronize these places a lot. Well, for one, I'd be broke if I bought Starbucks every day. And plain old coffee, without the frills, without the vanilla mocha cream or the frappuccino mix, works fine for me.

In Toronto, every corner has a coffee place. A cup of hot coffee is just the perfect companion to the cold weather. Wala lang...just coffee talk....

By the way, Trixie brought me yummy brownies and Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream last night. I've always heard about Ben & Jerry's, but really, this is the first time I've tasted it. The brownies were really yummy, perfect with coffee. Ah, my appetite's back. Hail to the Western World.

GirlTalk

It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic... don't you think...

A warning to guys: don't read.

On my last day out of Costa Rica, I had my period. Which posed a problem. I only had 2 sanitary napkins, the last two pieces in my closet at home. Because I was in a hurry, I was unable to take the time to buy supplies before I left Manila.

Normally, when I go out of town, or on a trip, my mother would always ask me, "Did you remember to bring napkins"? Even if I knew it wasn't time for my monthly 'schedule', my mom would still insist that I bring napkins along. I would always say yes, and then proceed to conveniently forget bringing one.

On this trip, she asked me, May dala ka bang napkin? Opo, sabi ko. Which was true, since I had two pieces right? I don't know, maybe I was hoping the stress of the whole trip would throw my menstrual cycle into whack? Whatever. So there I was, landing in snowy Toronto almost midnight, desperate to look for a convenience store so I can buy my supplies.

This was on a Saturday night. I finally bought the cheapest package I could find, which at more than $2, was still more expensive than if I had bought one from Manila.

So, imagine my big surprise when, upon going to the restroom in P's Toronto office, there in the sink were lots and lots of free napkins and tampons. Okaaayyy...just great.

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

P.S. -- Now I wish they'd give out free samples of lotions and baby oil...my skin is really dry!

St. Patrick's Day

Caught a St. Patrick's Day parade on Yonge Street. There were men in kilts, men in uniform, the Toronto fire department, a singing band, dancing couples, students holding banners, and a dancing Guinness beer mascot holding a sign saying "4 Days till St. Patrick's Day". There was even a kick-boxing demo in the parade. Picture taken using a Sony Ericsson K500i phone.

the first cold night in Toronto

I just got into Toronto, and it's lightly snowing. I have a lot of minor bloopers on this trip. Like not realizing it might actually be snowing in Toronto. So I need a thicker jacket. And asking for hot water from room service, but not asking for a fork so I can eat my instant-cup noodles. And bringing my digicam but forgetting the data cable, so I won't be able to upload the photos to my laptop either. Minor stuff really.

It's midnight, I need to sleep. Hopefully, tomorrow I'll be able to wake up early and contact Trixie. :)

The Way to San Jose

I feel slightly disadvantaged.

A bit like a poor cousing watching my very rich cousins playing with their new toys. Right now, am sitting in the waiting are near Gater 48B of Terminal 4, in LA. I still have two more hours of waiting to do. My flight from Manila arrived at LA around 6PM LA time, and the flight to Costa Rica will take off near midnight pa. A colleague from another company is taking a shower in the executive lounge. (May shower pala dun? Astig!) I texted him, "members only ba yan?" No, he replied. "Basta business class, pwede." Fine. Eh hindi naman ako business class eh. Magtya-tyaga na nga lang ako mag-antay dito sa labas. So what kung hindi pa ako naliligo for almost 24 hours.

Manila to Los Angeles

This was a rush flight. I had to leave Manila Tuesday night to reach Costa Rica Wednesday morning. Tuesday morning I got my Canadian visa, afternoon I managed to get the airplane tickets and booked a hotel. As soon as I got the tickets, I rushed home to pack hurriedly for the 10PM flight to LA. Slept almost the entire way from Manila to LA. Maybe because I was one of the last to check in, I wasn't able to choose a seat. I was seated in the window seat, beside a couple with their cute chubby amerasian baby boy.

Most people like window seats. I don't. I prefer aisle seats, so I can go to the restroom easily. But there's always a bright side, and the bright side in seating by the window is, I can lean my head on the window/wall while sleeping. So there I was in the window seat, and the couple beside me was complaining to the stewardess since they had reserved a baby seat or something, and all the baby seats were already taken. The stewardess was addressing their complaints (Total Customer Satisfaction!), and tried to look for alternative seating for them. The bad thing about this incident is, she turned to me, and asked me, "Miss, there's a vacant seat in 69B, would you want to move there so the couple with the baby can have more space?"

I looked back at the seat. It was the middle seat in a 3-seat row. Man, just when I was getting really comfortable in my window seat position! I'm ashamed to admit it, but I really didn't want to relinquish my now-comfortable position. If it was an aisle seat, I would have gone. Sitting in a middle-seat would mean being sandwiched between two strangers and I don't know how to lean my head when sleeping. But the stewardess was looking at me expectantly, and I allowed myself to be bullied. Well not really, because I said, "sige na nga.". Good thing the Pinay mother said, if I really didn't want to go, I didn't need to. I was debating with my conscience for a while there, but I had a right to my seat anyway. So there, I didn't go, the couple took turns taking care of their baby boy, and I slept almost the whole flight (since I couldn't see the in-flight entertainment anyway).

Do you know the way to San Jose

My way to San Jose, Costa Rica, is via a 5-hour American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to San Jose, Costa Rica. Since I checked in almost 6 hours before the flight, I thought this time, I'd have a good seat. Boy, was I wrong. They gave me a boarding pass, but they didn't give me a seat number. "At 11PM, line up at the 48B counter and they'll give you a seat." Wow, they're going to allow everyone else to check in before they give me a seat? I didn't feel like asserting myself then, so I just let it go. Maybe they'd even bump me into business class! Haha. In the end, I sat in the window seat (again), beside a very big, bulky, built-like-a-wrestler man whose shoulders extended one-fourth of the way into my territory.

The Landing

Our flight was supposed to land at San Jose, 7:30 AM Wednesday morning. Our meeting was at 9AM. This should be enough time for us to grab a taxi and get to the office. But it was raining that morning, and while the plane was circling for landing, the pilot announced that the airport was closed because it was raining. What?! Manila's turning out to be a much better place than Costa Rica. We landed around 20 minutes after, got out of the airport around 8:30, and arrived at the wrong P.'s offices around 9:30. We took a taxi and dropped ourselves off at the wrong building, so we had to find an English speaking guard, who led us to the right building in the pouring rain.

The Hotel

But the day proceeded eventfully. After a full day's work, went back to finally check in at the hotel. The Costa Rica Marriott Hotel San Jose was surprisingly fabulous! It was like an hacienda. Checking out the Marriott website, the description was thus: This hacienda-style hotel features the splendor of a 30-acre coffee plantation setting, decorated with antiques for an elegant and comfortable atmosphere, and a magnificent view from all rooms and suites. Wow. (Kawawa note: P's rate was $131/night with free breakfast, normal rate is $230+, our company's rate is $212 w/o breakfast. Wow, what a discount).

On the way out

I arrived Wednesday, and had to leave today, Saturday. Too bad we weren't able to tour the nature sites. There's an active volcano nearby (Poas Volcano), and some of the Pinoy visitors who're still there are planning on touring today. My flight was at 2:30PM, and I arrived at the Costa Rica airport almost 12:30. The people who shared the airport shuttle with me were all taking a vacation. It turns out it's spring break too, and there were lots of students returning home from their Costa Rica beach vacation.

Long lines greeted me. I overhead one of the Americans there saying, this must be organized chaos. Lines snaked here and there. I entered the airport, looked for the Air Canada counter, and was glad that the line there wasn't that long. BUT it turns out I had to line up to pay the departure tax first. Another line. $26. After lining up for that, I had to line up to check in at the Air Canada counter, where the airport staff manually inspected the check-in baggage. No x-ray machine in this case. Fine. After checking in and getting a boarding pass, we go to line # 3 -- the line to enter all gates. This was a long, snaking line that extended to outside the airport. There I got to chat with some college kids and learned that they were on spring break. Finally got inside the airport again. It was now 2PM, and I had to look for my gate. Gate 4A, the boarding pass said. Turns out there was a gate 4, a gate 4B, a gate 4A1, gate 4A2, and gate 4A3. Ugh, someone should tell them there are more numbers out there. :)

Costa Rica is pretty though, don't get me wrong. The architecture is pretty, it is a Spanish/Latin country after all. The area I went to, is just outside the San Jose city area. This area is large and surrounded by mountains. Imagine the view from Tagaytay or Antipolo. That's what you see while driving down the roads. The streets remind me of Laguna, and our office is situated in somewhere similar to a techno-park. We also passed by San Jose city itself. People are saying that it's not safe here, that it's not really pretty and there's nothing to see. The streets here are like Manila, old Manila with narrow streets. I didn't wander around though, so I really can't say if it's safer out there or not. Most likely, no, coz I can't speak Spanish so I'll probably get duped while I'm there. :)

We went to a bar and there was a "maskarada" show, where giant people walked around trying to scare people. I'd share photos but I don't have a camera. :D I'll try to share something once I get a copy from other people's camera. :) Surfing in Costa Rica is great, they say. There are beaches and volcanos and nature parks that are only a few hours drive away from San Jose. The Marriott here is great. Behind my room is a golf course, and there's even a quaint mini-chapel there. On our last day, the chapel was set-up for a wedding. White flowers, and the red carpet extending from inside the church to outside near the garden/reception area. It was very pretty, and very nice. :)

Obi Wan Kenobi

With the prowess of a seasoned samurai and the wisdom of a wizard, he tries to do the sort of things that root out evil.

Indeed, the Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded.

How about you, which character are you?

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Somehow, the line from Alexander Pope's poem keeps running through my mind. What is it? The desire for a stress-free, carefree existence? Kate Winslet's orange-red hair? Jim Carrey's dramatic turn? No. I am stressed, harassed, sleepy, and thirsty. I want to go to the restroom. I haven't watched a movie in weeks. I haven't done my thesis timeline. There are some things I cannot do, and some things that I have chosen not to do, just to maintain my sanity and balance. Tit for tat. This for that. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. For me, it is the happiness of not being worried about anything right now. Or not being forced to worry about it.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

The next few lines are kinda long. But I guess I owe it to Alexander Pope.

Eloisa to Abelard
by Alexander Pope

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.

Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.

Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
The virgin's wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.

How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove,
Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world's great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:
Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
When love is liberty, and nature, law:
All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
And once the lot of Abelard and me.

Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest.
Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,
And Paradise was open'd in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father's stores
Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,
Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker's praise.
In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,
(O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)
But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.

Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,
And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.

Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;
Ev'n thou art cold — yet Eloisa loves.
Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.

What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me,
Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,
With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:
Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!

No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!
Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And faith, our early immortality!
Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
"Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)
"Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,
Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."

I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah no — in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,
The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;
And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.
O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.

Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,
One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.
And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more;
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most.