Lost + Found

Yahoo!!!

Someone found my secureID! It turns out I left it in the office last Friday night. Whew! I'm so happy I could hug everyone!

Whew!

Plus, somebody found my umbrella, the one listed as "missing" awhile back. Ahh...life is good.

On a Monday Night

I hate myself. I keep losing stuff. Right now I cannot find the secureID that I use to log in to work. A 6000-peso value if I might add. And I don't know where the fucking hell that thing is. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

----oooOOOooo----
Signs. It's everywhere. The signs are...I should be going now. But I'm a stubborn old bitch. And here I am, staying put.

----oooOOOooo----
I could always blame it on being drunk. Three tequilas and 2 beers can bring a decent girl down. But unfortunately, I'm not drunk. I'm just telling the truth. And the truth is, either I make it with what I've got, or I run out and run away.

I don't think you'll understand that. That previous sentence is clear as day, and everything I want to say. But I doubt anyone will understand. I doubt that even I will understand that after ten minutes. But let me try to repeat that again. Either I make it with everything I've got right now, or I leave everything and run away. It doesn't really matter if you understand that, because as I was looking up at the stars tonight, I saw that one big bright star, the one that always accompanied me on my way home before. There's a big dream that's dying to bust out of me, and if it doesn't bear fruit soon, I die. You will never know how many of my dreams have died and resurrected. Just as maybe I will never know yours either.

On a selfish note, I want to be above where I am now, and who you think your family should be. Is that really bad or selfish? You don't give me much choice. You could have swept me away and not let me think. But you chose to not be consumed by your passion, which leads me to believe that maybe this may not be your passion after all. The space you gave yourself also gave me room to maneuver. Room to think. And I want more. And the fact that I have to fend for myself to get what I want greatly saddens me. And I can't go on. I guess it was just ego that led me all along to believe that I could be more blessed and loved than anyone else. And on those good moments, I do believe I could be more than I am now. I do believe that God loves me and that God is smiling down on me and his sun shines down only for me. And on bad days...I think I let him down completely.

I wish I could blame it on being drunk. But as Jimi Hendrix said, it is my life, and it is my death. So whatever it is I do, I blame it on myself.

----oooOOOooo----

"Look for the girl with the broken smile

and ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be love..." -- Maroon Five.

Stressed and Confused

I can't stop eating now.

Since Friday, I've been munching and munching and eating and eating and I'm never full. Is this how I cope with stress?

Time passes so quickly, it's very frustrating. I remember a "fun" psych quiz question a while back. Based on how quickly you think time passes (is it slow? too fast? just right?), it indicates how happy or unhappy you are with your life. I don't remember what the answers mean now, but I do know that right now, it seems time passes too quickly. It seems only yesterday when I was watching Sunday night TV and panicking on missed work deadlines. Now, it's another Sunday, and the same tasks still have not been done.

It is sickening. I need a change.

the last song

Don't we all do it? Sing in our minds, that is. It's that irritating LSS -- that last song syndrome that just won't go away. The song stays with you ALL day; you sing it in your mind while you're walking, while you're working, while you're talking even. Some last songs are better than others. They stay with you, and they make your day a bit better.

Here are some of this week's more sensible soundtracks of my mind. Sing out loud with me:

1. "Run", Kitchie Nadal
   
   Kitchie's breathless vocals here seem a bit different from her performance for former band mojofly. But with her husky and sultry delivery, this song is bound to be a promising break-through single for Kitchie's solo career. Well, at least, it got my attention. You know how I love sultry female voices.
   

   Run fast if you can
   I'm gonna get you anyway, there's nowhere to hide, baby
   Breathe in, breathe out
   It's almost over now

2. "Taning", Imago
   
   Aya's semi-yodeling makes me want to yodel along. Initially hard-to-notice, the song takes some getting used to. After listening to it several times, the song grows on you.
   
   

   "Tama ba na aminin na nating
   May taning
   Ang pag-ibig natin"



3. "Masaya", Bamboo
   
   What can I say? This is Bamboo. That formerly-bald frontman for Rivermaya. After several years (decades?), he's back. With a new band. Named...Bamboo.
   

   Ako'y malungkot na naman
   Amoy chico na ako
   Ilang tagay na, hindi pa rin tulog
   Tanong ko lang sa langit
   Kung bakit pumangit
   Ang dating masaya
   Ngayo'y panay problema
   Bumabalot sa mundo
   Bakit ganito...
   Ang pag-ibig, ganyan talaga
   'Pag bago pa ang pag-ibig
   Ganyan talaga, masaya

   
   


4. "Hey Julie", Fountains of Wayne
   
   Funny. Catchy. Makes you want to smile. And maybe snap your fingers and nod your head. Or maybe just be thankful for someone to love.
   

   Hey Julie,
   Look what they're doing to me
   Trying to trip me up
   Trying to wear me down
   Julie, I swear, it's so hard to bear it
   And I'd never make it through without you around

   
   

In Memoriam

In Memory of My Trusty Light-weight Umbrella
September 20, 2003 - August 17, 2004 (MIA)

For every ending, there is a beginning. A spark that got the whole ball rolling.

Memories

I loved this umbrella. For one thing, it had the number one feature I wanted that all my other umbrellas before didn't have. It was lightweight. If I put it in my bag, it's like I wasn't carrying anything else. My shoulders didn't have to ache from carrying my shoulder bag too long, and nobody kept bugging me, "ano bang nilalagay mo dyan sa bag mo, ba't ang bigat?"


Beginnings

How I came to buy the umbrella is another story in itself. B. and I were touring Sentosa Island, Singapore then, and a sudden heavy downpour was making it impossible for us to get around the island. We only had one day, and of course, we wanted to see everything there was to see. We rushed into the nearest souvenir shop, and people were snapping up the umbrellas and raincoats! The raincoats were the cheapest. Made of entirely clear plastic, it was just an ordinary thin plastic made into a raincoat and meant to be used just once. The other options were a big wooden-handled umbrella (quite heavy), and this foldable (aluminum?) umbrella. The foldable umbrella was unfortunately the most expensive one. But at the same time, it was exactly what I wanted in an umbrella! I was meaning to buy one even before that trip, but I just never found an umbrella this lightweight in the malls. I really liked the umbrella, but I didn't like the "tourist" price. In the end, since (a) we were tourists anyway and (b) we really needed something since it was raining hard and (c) the umbrella was the most cost-efficient option, we bought the foldable umbrella.

Back in Manila, I still kept the search for the lightweight foldable umbrella open. A friend had one that was really lightweight, but she bought it in some high-end store, and really, unless I was a tourist and stuck in the middle of a torrential downpour, I would feel really bad spending that much money for an umbrella.

I guess I was driving my boyfriend nuts that time, always checking out the department stores and not really buying anything. So he suggested I use the Singapore umbrella. To which I promptly balked. What? I didn't want to use it since it was (a) relatively not cheap, (b) I might ruin it and cry and (c) it had sentimental value. But then again, as they say, what good is having the best crystals if you just keep it on display in the glass cabinet, right? Things are meant to be used, not stored and forgotten in some mysterious place. So I ended up using it.

And eventually losing it.

Endings

One rainy day, the day right after I recovered from a high fever, I left my umbrella in the corner to dry. It was a busy day, and as I left the office, I forgot that I left my umbrella just sitting there on the damn floor. I only remembered that my umbrella was missing when I was cleaning up my backpack on Thursday. That was two days later. There it was, the umbrella case was innocently lying inside my messy backpack, but where in the world was my umbrella? I asked the guards at the office, and my officemates, but no one had seen it. It was gone. Pffffttt. Kaput. Abracadabra-like-magic-gone.

(On a paranoidal sidenote, I am realizing why I am beginning to hate my office. I keep losing things. I lose my laptop. I lose my umbrella. What next? My sanity? My sense of well being? Why me? Are there goblins and trolls around?)


Moving On

And so I will always remember that umbrella fondly. It wasn't "just" an umbrella. Because of its origins, and its character, that umbrella will always have a soft spot in my heart. The umbrella may be gone, but everything associated with it, will remain with me.

Goodbye. And may you give your new owner (well, it couldn't really have miraculously disappeared) the same joy and satisfaction you have given me.

Puff the Magic Dragon.
In front of the place where we bought the umbrella

Note: Special thanks to hello.com for posting the pictures to this blog.

A night in the office

Just another ordinary night in the office...

tama bang

aminin na nating may taning

itong pag ibig natin

dakila man

walang kasaysayang kakapit

sa bulag na pag ibig

-- Imago, "Taning"

Just a song that keeps playing in my mind. Aya's lilting voice playing in my head, lifting up my spirits with a song that really talks about a love that is about to be let go of.

permiso sa isang araw na

makasama ka

abiso ng pusong bulag

na humahanga

She wails through her plea to be with her loved one, even for just one day.

"Our co-workers have no idea. They speak only of miracles. This is our story. This is our group. And we are one hell of a supergroup."

Around the other aisle, Tonette is dubbing her lines for the short movie that Jay is making. I sit here in my cubicle, typing this blog, while trying to motivate myself to dive into those complex lines of code. Will I get Alzheimer's if I don't use my brain? Urban legends of the twisted mind...times like these, I really wonder why I get into this "cram-slam-bang" situations. Deadlines everywhere, and I'm still "trying" to motivate myself to start the work?? Terrible work habits...I didn't used to be like this. It's never really a problem of understanding, it's more like a problem of revving the motor and starting the engine and getting the whole show on the road.

"Ganda ng ngiti mo ah"

Monna and Karen come back, from a "drinking" gimik somewhere nearby. In a few moments, the rest of the people come back, and the office is loud again. Alive. Milan, the handsome foreigner guy who's the center of attention, walks by and smiles. Ah, I knew he noticed me...

And so another night rolls by. Another night, and in a few hours, another new day.

I Got Sick

What a creative title. I got sick. :) But as in, I really got sick. Monday night, while on a jeep on the way home, I was almost shivering because I felt so cold. As soon as I got home, I downed Vitamin-C and Biogesic Paracetamol tablets, gave myself a sponge bath, and tried to sleep away my fever. To no avail, I might add. I lay in bed for almost three hours, counting down from 800 to 1 in an effort to fall asleep. I read somewhere before that one of the effective methods to get down to a trance-like (and therefore sleep-like) state was to count downwards -- it wasn't as easy as counting up from 1 to 100, so you'd be concentrating more on the next number thus you'll be able to easily block out other thoughts from your mind. Unfortunately, I must be terrible at entering trance-like states, and my mind kept straying. I kept thinking of crazy reasons why I got sick.

Must be the new shoes...maybe the height of the heels had something to do with it....
Or it must have been the cold pizza I ate...
Or the reheated fried chicken I had for dinner...salmonella anyone?
Or maybe it was because I was allergic to the hair dye? Duh?
Or....

And the list went on and on. My thoughts even strayed to wedding gowns and dresses and churches and beaches and what would I wear on my wedding day and would I even get married and maybe I should try to migrate and but I'm too lazy now to uproot myself and if I migrate I have to finish my thesis and how did robin feel when he had to rush me to the hospital and why did the chicken cross the damn road?

And so in my delusional state, I wrapped myself tightly in my blanket, with all of the windows in my room tightly shut. I was cold, and yet I could really feel that my fever was burning hot. I was able to fall asleep eventually, and when I woke up, my head still ached and I still felt woozy. But I promised my boss I would go to work, especially since we also had to shoot the video that he would be using for a presentation next week. So despite my terrible state, I still went to work. Which is quite ironic, since this is the time that I'm really sick, and yet this is the time I don't use my sick leave. Wait, did I just admit that I'm not really that sick when I use my sick leaves? Oops...

So now, it's Wednesday. I feel much better now, just a nagging cough remains to remind me of that night. I think I'm still not over it yet, my throat still feels clogged and if I think too hard, my head aches. Haha. Just perfect. Could I use that as an excuse to slack off? =)

Everything Blah

I feel really bad...I'm about to get sick...I feel that a fever is about to come, my throat feels funny and clogged, and I have a dull aching headache. In fact, I feel like I'm about to puke. If I breathe deep enough, I will puke.

I want to sleep. Hopefully tonight my insomnia will not act up. I need to feel better. Another super long day tomorrow. I have to be up early.

Waaa!!!! And I'm still in the office right now. Still a long night ahead. Waaa!!! =(

Everything Black

They say you're only as good as your last hit. I guess a blog is also only as good as its last entry. And when you start straying into mediocre territory, nobody cares to read it anymore.

Black Coffee

Today I spilled coffee all over myself.

So while I sit here in my office cubicle trying to work, I smell strangely like brewed coffee. I washed some of it off, but the smell lingers.

Black Hair

Also, as part of my agenda to change something about myself (and consequently maybe change something about my life), I dyed my hair black last night. The color is blue-black, something much much blacker than what my natural haircolor is. And suddenly, I feel like I look so ... old. I guess the black starkly emphasizes my face, and my face is tired. But this hair change is a start. After we finish shooting Jay's short movie, I'm gonna have my hair cut really short. Then I'm gonna get either a dog, an apartment, or a new pet. Or on second thought, maybe I'll dye my hair red instead.

Black Shoes

And just on a positive note, I bought new black shoes last Saturday. Black boots with rubber soles, with maybe a 2-inch heel. And I'm happy, partly because I need new office shoes, and partly because I got it for sale. I'm happy. For now. =)

a comic strip for b.

a comic strip for B., since he doesn't know that the Nermal in the Garfield movie looks nothing like Nermal in the cartoon strip. :)

And here is how the other characters really looked.
(From left to right: Arlene, Garfield's stuffed toy (I forgot the name), Garfield, Nermal, Odie)

I just watched Garfield: the Movie, and though I came into the movie house not liking how the CGI-animated Garfield looked, in the end, that cartoon character with the big fat fluffy beer-bellied cat grew on me. I must say, that is one hell of a cute cat. I'm in love.

true love

true love will find its way
not usually in the way we expect it to
or the way we want it to.
but somehow, in the end, whatever the outcome
you realize...that life has its little moments.
and sometimes those moments are enough to help us glide along through the rough patches.

wasabi

an evening at wasabe 

Master Guru

It has been a slightly hectic but definitely unproductive day. Now, how could that be? Last night, I didn't sleep because I was trying to finish a project which I should have started long ago. Ah, the wonders of cramming. A sign of old age would be not being able to cram it up anymore. And frankly, I don't want to anymore, and I'm afraid that I no longer can.

As of now, I'm still programming here in the office. I'm slightly out of it, I don't want to think, so how the fuck can I effectively program? All right, I know. Thou shalt not swear.

It's such a long road ahead. I don't know what I'm doing in this world. This is the chant of the slightly insane, those pretending to be entirely normal but they're really sliding down a deep, dark abyss. You know the feeling when you're drunk, and you know you can just let go and be really crazy, but you try to be sane any way? You don't? Well, good for you.

Strangely, I don't really feel entirely stressed or anxious or concerned, but I know that I've been remiss in all my duties this week. As in, I've become an expert on pushing back deadlines and ignoring that big red "Game Over" sign in front of my face. You reap what you sow, they say. Me, I just like to write.

You know what I realized this morning, in between the time I gave up working and the time I actually went back to the office? I spent practically three hours just eating, reading the paper, and lying around the house. Despite the deadline, I'm not really cramming. More than anything, I was strategizing how to avoid the project's customer. Ahh...The art of the weasel. The art of relaxation. Zen. Nothing. I think I'm becoming an expert at the art of doing nothing.

Wonder Island

Wonder Island, Calamba, Laguna, Philippines

Saturday 12:30 pm, while I was groggily still reading the morning paper, Richard texted me: "Don't forget our outing today. Meet u at enterprise at 2pm."

No, I don't think I'm in the mood to go! I opened my laptop, and suddenly, I felt empowered to do my thesis. Must be a case of always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. This was a case of me procrastinating so I end up not doing anything. I just wanted to lounge around and not make the effort to do anything! But a promise is a promise, and I did say I would go.

I ate a little lunch, checked my emails, and at 1:30 PM, I texted back. "I don't think I can make it at 2PM. I'll be there around 2:30."

Of course I'm late. I took a quick shower, grabbed a few clothes, and made a mad dash to Makati, slightly peeved that I'm being rushed.

It was an almost two-hour drive to Calamba, and in the car, really hungry, Tenantz and I attacked Hazel's cassava cake to soothe hunger pangs. We met up with Sammy and Dang and their kids at Calamba, and finally arrived at the Wonder Island parking lot around 4:30. From there, we had to take a ten-minute ferry across Laguna de Bay to reach the resort. The ferry was clean. I was expecting a small banca, and well, it was nice to see a motorized boat (I can't describe it, suffice it to say it wasn't the typical banca). We reached Wonder Island, and surprise! There were no other guests but us. The whole island was ours.

Wonder Island?


Wonder Island is an island somewhere in Laguna de Bay. From Calamba, a short boat ride is needed to reach the island. Full of swimming pools (there must have been more than 5), the place is an ideal company outing destination. There are a lot of accommodations and dormitory-type rooms.

We spent the rest of the day swimming, eating, drinking, and singing karaoke. There was a juke-box like karaoke machine there that played songs for 5-pesos each. After dinner, we had an "American Idol" type contest to see who could get the highest score from the karaoke machine. If it wasn't for the fact that there were no more 5-peso coins left, we would have been singing till morning came.

Breakfast Cruise


 

In the morning, we had a breakfast cruise across Laguna de Bay. Breakfast was supposed to start at 7:30, but we only managed to get out of the room 30 minutes later. Good thing the owner of the resort also took his breakfast while cruising, so we were able to join up with him while he went on his morning cruise. Breakfast was tocino, garlic fried rice, eggs, papaya and bread. The pandesal was delicious! The cruise boat was really pretty, and photogenic.

After the 1 hour cruise, we played pingpong, billiards, and even though it was raining hard, we swam in the pool/s.

Due to a previously set appointment, Tenantz and I left after Sunday lunch, at 1PM. Our friends were still at the karaoke machine that time, belting out tunes and singing their hearts out.

Nice

 

Overall, Wonder Island was nice, a really cool company outing/family/barkada place. It had a nice view of Mt. Makiling, and Talim island in Rizal. The swimming pools are large and numerous, there were a lot of areas where people can congregrate. As Dudong said, "Pwede mag-outing sunlife dito, maraming upuan eh." There are seminar rooms, a chapel, dormitories, wooden cottages, and all the necessary equipment to hold company seminars. For 1,400 pesos, you can even go jet-skiiing if you wished. If only the waters of Laguna de Bay were cleaner (meaning if it wasn't so murky), the place would really be a sight to behold. Nevertheless, Wonder Island is a nice place. And if you read how the place came about (see the link somewhere in this post), you can see the passion with which the owner developed the place. And that passion, more than anything else, makes the place really worth visiting.

Dead Ends

Excerpt from Manuel L. Quezon III's column The Long View, published on page A15 of the August 9, 2004 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

---oooOOooo---
When you see the many middle-class villages in Metro Manila, what seems to me the most striking about them is how the homes in them represent a dead end. These villages and the homes in them were built by the generation of Filipino professionals who worked from the 1950s to the 1970s, and who, by their own hard work, were able to secure every family's dream: a home, some land, education for the children and retirement benefits after decades of working for a firm. The success of these generations may be measured by their ability to keep their children afloat, the kids born in the 1960s to the 1970s up to the early 1980s, who, even if they try their hardest, can never build the sort of life their parents did.

The perennial complaint of people my age is that it is virtually impossible on a salary to buy a car, get a mortgage to buy an apartment or a small house, and generally achieve the things their parents did. Increasingly those who can, juggle jobs to increase their paychecks.
---oooOOooo---

This just struck me because it was so true. One of my dreams is to own a condo unit, but that is something I cannot comfortably buy. Am I a failure then? I live a comfortable life, but only because I live with my parents in a house they bought almost 30 years ago. I drive a car, but it is my parent's car, bought with money they made. Unless I don't eat and don't spend a cent on anything else, i cannot possibly buy a car or a house.

Do I have to work two jobs then, just to fulfill that dream? Work harder? Be smarter? Work abroad? Migrate? Leave? Or is entrepreneurship the answer?

*full column can be read at the Philippine Daily Inquirer's website: http://beta.inq7.net/opinion/index.php?index=2&story_id=3175&col=111

what he doesn't know

"I'm dying...dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again....
Dying...dying to live without you..."

What he doesn't know is i want him to make an effort. I want him to give me flowers. I want him to go out of his way, get down on his knees and give me flowers. Or a token gift. I don't know. Just something to really show me he loves me, and not the everyday practical stuff that we're used to. I guess something to sweep me off my feet.

"I'm dying, dying to find a distraction, get you away from me
I'm dying, dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see
It's the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent
I'm dying to live without you again"

I think, if I just allow things to get back to normal this time, I will always be searching for the special effort, that special push from him. Perhaps, this is my downfall. Perhaps, this is my idealistic romanticism rearing its ugly head. How many times must I learn that fairy tales don't happen to normal people like me? But I want this, I also deserve this. I want to be swept off my feet every now and then. I want to be courted, gifted, surprised, enchanted. I want to feel beautiful and loved, and I want him to show me that I am loved and beautiful.

"It's a strange emotion this but there's still hope in this
As long as there's a breath....
I'm dying and I can't live without you again..."

This may be "girly" ramblings. I don't know. How much effort is enough anyway? But the fact that I'm asking that question...perhaps that just means I don't feel appreciated anymore.

If love is give and take, how much should we give before asking ourselves, how come the other side isn't allowing us to take more?

"I'm dying and I can't live without you again."*

*correct lyrics of "Dying", song by Five For Fighting, can be seen here.

Dumbing Down -- Scattered thoughts and broken vows

Today, I guess, is overall, a good day.

It started out with a scream of frustration, since the PLDT repair guy was again coming to our house and ruining my plans of going to work early. But the flip side of that is, my PLDT DSL connection finally got fixed. After much tinkering on his end, he finally thought of changing the cables and the section where I was getting my DSL connection, and now everything's all right again. :) I guess there was something faulty in how they connected my DSL connection, but hey, since it's working now, I'm not complaining.

I feel sick, like I'm coming down with something. And it's almost 5AM, and still I'm awake. How's that for insomnia?

Reminds me of my Saturday night at Tagaytay...we slept at a friend's house, and I couldn't sleep. For the life of me, I really wanted to sleep, just so I could get enough rest because I knew I had to do a lot of things Sunday, but no. 4AM. Still awake. 5AM. Still awake. The sun is up. Got up 6AM to look around and see Taal. Everyone's still asleep. Try to fall asleep 6:15. Dozed off for a while. Finally! Woke up at 6:45. Everyone's awake. $^%$$$##@!

---

My friend's Friendster testimonial almost made me cry. She said, she doesn't understand how many times I have to cry before I find true happiness. And that made me real sad. Have I even found my happiness? I'm not sure. Romance-wise, I sometimes think that I get stuck with "nowhere" men. Men who are okay, in the present, right here, right now. But will they commit to a future with me? Perhaps not. I'm not sure. Do I even want to commit to a future with them? Maybe. I'm with them ain't I? But....there's a "but" there somewhere. But the beauty of our relationship is, it works, somehow.

---

You know what, it's been an awfully long day. I was about to go home around 11PM, but I wasn't able to because my boss was using my computer to troubleshoot something. I just couldn't get the nerve to tell him, hey, I need to go home right now because I still want to catch the bus home. I didn't have a car, and I was too stingy to want to take the taxi home. Well anyway, it was well past 1AM when I left the office. And yes, I took the taxi. And the taxi driver was trying to scam me into paying him more, since it was raining today and all. But I felt good since I didn't let him push me into paying more. Especially since I told him that it was all the money I had that night.

I wish of course that sometimes, someone would take care of me. So I wouldn't have to go home late, alone. So I don't even have to work my ass off. wishful thinking dear...

Another reason I wasn't able to go home at once was, a friend called me to confide about her love problems. Couldn't bear the hurt of knowing that her boyfriend might be leaving her. Nothing final yet, just the "cool-off" conversation. Well, it's good to know that she thinks I'm wise enough to run to, but hey, I'm no cupid. And, I'm basically a cynical person, plus, I'm not entirely conventional, ergo I'm not the best person to turn to since my views might result in even more estrangement and failed romances. Look at me! haha. But I guess that was what she wanted, a perspective different from her own. Maybe. I love my friend, and of course I'll support her, but it does feel weird to tell this friend particularly, that there is love after heartbreak. Because I want her to believe in the myth of forever, in the myth of the first love, in the myth of the forever love. No one should experience that disappointment in love.

I took this quiz at http://www.okcupid.com/oktest, and though other people say the quiz accurately described them, I don't entirely agree. I protest! Haha....or perhaps I just don't really know myself enough. I can't see myself accurately? Here is how it rated me, tell me what you think:

---

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

---

I don't know about the "selective" and "lack of bonafide experience" part, but that last quote, that is so true for me. And that is so something that I am so sad to admit to. Because that single quote captures all the cynicism I have. In the end, we are alone.