Signs. It's everywhere. The signs are...I should be going now. But I'm a stubborn old bitch. And here I am, staying put.
I could always blame it on being drunk. Three tequilas and 2 beers can bring a decent girl down. But unfortunately, I'm not drunk. I'm just telling the truth. And the truth is, either I make it with what I've got, or I run out and run away.
I don't think you'll understand that. That previous sentence is clear as day, and everything I want to say. But I doubt anyone will understand. I doubt that even I will understand that after ten minutes. But let me try to repeat that again. Either I make it with everything I've got right now, or I leave everything and run away. It doesn't really matter if you understand that, because as I was looking up at the stars tonight, I saw that one big bright star, the one that always accompanied me on my way home before. There's a big dream that's dying to bust out of me, and if it doesn't bear fruit soon, I die. You will never know how many of my dreams have died and resurrected. Just as maybe I will never know yours either.
On a selfish note, I want to be above where I am now, and who you think your family should be. Is that really bad or selfish? You don't give me much choice. You could have swept me away and not let me think. But you chose to not be consumed by your passion, which leads me to believe that maybe this may not be your passion after all. The space you gave yourself also gave me room to maneuver. Room to think. And I want more. And the fact that I have to fend for myself to get what I want greatly saddens me. And I can't go on. I guess it was just ego that led me all along to believe that I could be more blessed and loved than anyone else. And on those good moments, I do believe I could be more than I am now. I do believe that God loves me and that God is smiling down on me and his sun shines down only for me. And on bad days...I think I let him down completely.
I wish I could blame it on being drunk. But as Jimi Hendrix said, it is my life, and it is my death. So whatever it is I do, I blame it on myself.
"Look for the girl with the broken smile
and ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be love..." -- Maroon Five.
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